Entering the Story

As I've said before here I am a Christian. I was raised in a Christian home. I was lucky enough to always have an awareness of God in my life in one way or another. Though I was "saved" when I was about 5 years old, it wasn't until I was about 19 that I actually felt God moving in my life and began a much deeper and personal relationship with him.

But I knew the Bible stories. I knew them well. I could tell you about Adam, Noah, Abraham, Job, David, Jesus, Peter, Paul… and well so on and so forth. I remember the stories being taught simply to me when I was a small child just learning about God's hand in leading Moses in releasing the Israelites from Egypt in a 10 minute message and coloring page in Sunday School; all the way to a much more in depth look, verse by verse breakdown of all the intricacies of God's character in the same story at Bible College.

Though it all I remember reading the stories of the men and women of the Bible in their struggles in their faith and failures to trust in God and think "well that's just dumb, don't they know that everything works out?" I had the benefit of knowing the ending of their story. I knew that God kept his promise in each of their stories and in the end everything would have worked out for the best. I've come to realize that this is an extremely arrogant point of view.

I can look through these individual struggles and see that they often not only lasted years but decades. I know that often I get frustrated and angry when a prayer I've been saying for months often seems like its falling on deaf ears. But Decades? Thinking of this I can't really fault these Men and Women of God having lapses of faith and anger at God. Plus I have the added benefit of having the Bible, which simply recounts over and over again the faithfulness of God. These people had nothing but their prayer and faith.

There are four stories in the bible that have been on my heart lately. These stories are each very similar to each other. And each one are stories I have read multiple times growing up, but now take on a different place in my life. The stories are of Sarah, Rachel, Hanna and Elizabeth.

Each of these four women struggles with infertility. Each of them suffered the broken heart of not having a baby. Each of them sat back and watched as others around them were blessed with the babies they so desperately wanted. Each of them faced people around them that were not understanding of their heartbreak.

Because of my struggles with infertility over this last year and a half I have just recently come to recognize a deeper understanding of these women and what their stories have to offer me in this struggle. These are the things that I gleam from their stories.

First I find it significant that there are four different stories of infertility in the Bible.  There aren't a lot of stories in the bible that a repeated throughout with 4 different individuals. In fact infertility might be the only one. I can't say for sure, so don't bank on that, but it's all that comes to my mind right now. This tells me a few things. The first being that infertility is important to God. He is aware of it, He cares about it, and He understands it. He knows the struggle that each of these women faced and that every woman since has faced and ensured that their stories were written and kept in his word so that the millions of other women long after would have their stories to rely upon for strength and support.

It tells me that I'm not alone. Infertility is a very lonely struggle. I often feel very left behind and that no one understands what I'm feeling or how incredibly deep my heartache goes. People love to fluff up tough situations. People hate to face a woman that is sad, depressed and disparaging. People want to say the quick easy answers to make it go away. "Just relax! I really believe you'll have a baby one day! At least you get to practice a lot! You don't really want kids, they just take so much of your time/sleep/money!!" People are completely unaware that each one of these statements and ones that are similar do nothing but cut right through the heart. I take comfort in knowing that each of these women felt the exact same pain I do. They heard all the same statements. But they weren't alone. In each case God was always there in complete understanding and never once did he tell them to "Just relax".

What he did say was "Trust me". Each of these four women eventually did have their baby. Some even had more than one. Now I haven't had any angle come to me promising me a baby. God has never spoken to my heart that we will for sure have a child. I do not have that promise. I do have the desire. And I've just recently come to realize that my struggle with infertility isn't a struggle with charting, fertility meds, and doctor appointments. It's a struggle with my faith. To trust in Him. I've entered the Bible story. I have to let go of my overwhelming desire to control every aspect of trying to have a baby and just trust in Him. He has never failed me in supplying any of my needs over and abundant of what I asked for or deserve.

I always thought that if I knew how this would end, either with a baby or without, then I could just deal and move on. But I don't know how our story will end. With a baby, and adoption or just our family of two. I don't know how long it will be before we know the end. Next month, next year, next decade, a lifetime. But I do know the one thing I must do is trust Him. I know that no matter what the ending, I will be OK.

I don't understand why we are going through this struggle. I don't understand why I have to sit and watch everyone in my life be blessed over and over with babies. It certainly makes me angry, frustrated and most of all sad. But I have to find strength in the promise that God has always made the story right in the end. And though I may not like the ending, I'll know that it is the right ending.

"Be still and know that I am God;" Psalm 46:10