Anxiety

So I've been meaning to write this post for a few weeks now, but just haven't gotten to it. I have a lot of work to do today, but I don't feel like doing a thing, so I'll write this instead.

I've talked a lot in my recent posts about how life has become increasingly intense since the start of the new year, and no it really hasn't slowed down. In fact it's increased. In good news the situation surrounding "The Event" of early February have settled considerably. Things are not great, or even good, but they are stable, and that's about as good as it can get right now.

But aside from that, or maybe partially due to that, March decided to throw in more curve balls into life. In late February I started back on Clomid for what was supposed to be our first IUI cycle. Because our insurance doesn't cover injectables (which can easily run $5-7k+ OOP) we were going to stick with the Clomid for 5 days, ultrasound and HGC injection to trigger ovulation. I've taken Clomid before, and I ovulated with it 5 out of 6 cycles, with side effects that made me pretty miserable. Including wicked hot flashes, dizzy spells blurry vision and vision spots. When I reported these side effects to my OB, she said that those side effects were normal, and nothing to worry about. OK, cool. So this time around, I had the same side effects. After dose two of the Clomid I started having breathing issues and chest pains in addition to the other side effects. I went ahead and took dose three. I felt like I really need to do whatever I can to get pregnant and out up with whatever side effects because it's the least I can do right? Besides it's only 5 doses. On Friday I was feeling really crappy. I called my RE office to talk to a nurse, but apparently you're not supposed to have medication concerns on a Friday afternoon because everyone is off.  I was supposed to take my 4^th dose that night, I decided to skip it and the 5^th dose, because I was fairly certain if I had continued I would have ended up in the ER that night. I was hugely disappointed in myself.

On Monday the nurse called me back, and she said it was good that I stopped the Clomid, and to go ahead and still come in for the ultrasound on Wednesday as scheduled. When I came in for the US, I met with my RE and she asked me if I had told them about my previous side effects on Clomid. I said no because my OB said they were normal. She said that some of the effects are, but the vision side effects area big warning sign and if they had known I had the vision issues, they would not have put me on Clomid. Awesomness. She also said that of then when someone has some bad side effects they have all the bad side effects. So of course the US showed my lining s paper thin. It did show two good follicles. Which was about the only good news. Because Chris couldn't take the blood test we decided on TI instead of insemination. The RE also said that since I reacted so poorly to the non-injectable cycle, my best bet would to do an injectable cycle next time around, and since we'd be spending the money on all the injectables we might as well go for the full IVF since it has such a better chance of success. Which sounds good, except we don't exactly have $15k lying around to pay for it, and we more than likely never will.

She put me on a small dose of Estrogen to try and thicken up my lining. And of course things couldn't go simply from there, my reaction to the Estrogen was even more fun. It caused my anxiety to jump through the roof. So much so that I started having panic attacks on the way to work that Friday while driving. On the way home I made most of the way before I had to pull off the road (I was driving the streets because the freeway was freaking me out too much) because I was afraid I was going to cause an accident with my driving and panicking. I called my mom crying and telling her I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I couldn't drive. Chris and my brother had to come and get me.

So I stopped the Estrogen. I didn't do the trigger. I was afraid how I'd react to that too. Attempt at IUI #1 Big. Fat. Fail. And now here I am, 31 years old, suddenly scared of driving. Needing people to drive me places.   Still can't get knocked up. It's seems I fail at motherhood before I even get a chance to try. I honestly think that this is life telling me I just need to stop trying because I'd be making a huge mistake inflicting myself as a mother onto some poor child.

Anyway. The last few weeks have been extremely humbling. I suddenly have a whole new respect for people with anxiety issues. I'm better at driving now, but nothing what I need to be. I can drive the streets fairly well, I've manages the freeways a bit. But curves on the freeway freak me out still, especially going to the right. I have no idea why. I'm working to get passed this. I was hoping that as the meds get out of my system it would get easier, and it has, but the anxiety is still pretty strong. Especially when I'm stressed, which is just about all the time. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone if I have another panic attack while driving. My family and friends have been amazing and so helpful and supportive. I don't feel like I deserve it. I feel like such a failure right now at life. I need to drive. I have to drive. Otherwise I'll have to quit school. Which is just about the only thing I feel like I'm doing right these days. Although not sure I'd be a very good therapist is I'm afraid to drive.

So yeah, 2011 continues to be a struggle. Here's to hoping April will be better.

My First Valentine

In case you couldn't tell, life has been a bit heavy lately. No it's not really any better. It just is. And while I am a firm believer of not decreasing the severity of life's negative experiences just to make people feel more comfortable, I do believe that if we don't try to at least have some positive remembrances, than the negative will just swallow us whole. Though when life seems so heavy, it can be so much harder to find the positive, I think it's still important to find what you can and hold onto it.

So, on that note, I thought I'd talk about my very first Valentine. But contrary to what you may be thinking, this isn't a story of a little girl and boy's childhood crush or a young teen's first adventure into what love could be. It's actually a confession.

Though my heart (or hormones, you know, whatever) certainly wanted an adoring boy in my life, I spent 88% of my teen years alone, pining over some boy who was just AMAZING, but either didn't know I was more than a random girl in school or more than "just a friend". I didn't finally have my very first boyfriend until I was 18 (more technically 18 years and 10 months, hence the 88%). I had only had my first kiss about a month before. But I did graduate from high school with a genuine boyfriend, a relationship that lasted about two months.

After that into my very early 20's I followed my usual pattern of pining after the unattainable. When I was about 23 I seemed to finally find my confidence enough to realize boys weren't so unattainable. I dated a bit here and there, had some minor relationships and one major one. But through them all, as a matter of time, I never had even a blind date for Valentine's Day.

Until 2005. Chris and I met in late 2004 and, by Valentine's Day of 2005 we were very much in the early stages of our love. I do remember V-day was on a Monday and I had class and Chris was out of town for his job. So we went out to dinner a few days early and Chris gave me a heart necklace that I still wear almost every day. It wasn't the most romantic day in history, but I didn't care. I had never really built any expectations for V-day. It had always just been another day to me. But this time, it was enough just to know I had someone to call all mine on Valentine's Day.

Yes, I know Valentine's is really just a day for Hallmark to make some extra bucks on lots of sappy cards (I HATE sappy cards BTW, I should go into that on another post sometime). And has just been glorified into a bunch of pointless non-sense. We rarely do anything extravagant for Valentine's day, and I never expect much. I certainly don't like to waste money on bunches of flowers that'll die in a week, that's if the cat doesn't get to them first, or balloons or stuffed bears (because seriously, what the hell am I gonna do with a million small stuffed bears? Is it rude to throw them away after a few days?). But all of that isn't the point of this post. And yes, there is a point.

The truth is that Chris is my one and only Valentine. He's the only one I've ever been able to call my Valentine, and the only one I ever will call that. Whether it's over a small dinner made at home or an extravagant dinner at some faraway place, I'm just happy to spend it with my one and only.

 

 

It's Hard

It's hard to watch someone you care about walk themselves into destruction.

It's hard to know the answers, but no one will listen.

It's hard to see those nearest the problem continue to enable because they can't bare the bumpy road right in front, ignoring that it'll only make the road impassible later on.

It's hard to watch others you care about struggle with trying to make sense of it all.

It's hard to find the balance to reaching in to save and not getting pulled under.

It's hard to have sleepless nights, lack of appetite, headaches, tears, long silences, distractions, fears surface, and anxieties realized in worry.

It's hard to believe the new reality you're now faced with.

It's hard to believe that it will get better.

Life is just really hard right now. I have no idea how to continue with work/school/faire/life when my heart seems to be consumed with other matters. The terrible part is I saw this coming. It wasn't a surprise. I just wasn't prepared for the aftermath.

Not Starting Off so Well

January wasn't so bad and seemed to flow pretty nicely making me think that 2011 might be a decent year. Then February came and bitch slapped me across the face. I'm really not at liberty to go into any kind of details of the events over the last six days, but let me just say they have been hard.

Emotionally I'm drained. I actually haven't cried at all yet. Been close several times, but I actually haven't been able to. Which means sometime in the near future, something small is going to completely break me into a thousand pieces. So ya, I'm looking forward to that.

This has been one of the few events in my life that has actually made me question my faith. Now I've definitely had questions about my faith before and questioned whether or not God truly loved me or that he had my best interest in mind during certain trials. But this time was different. This event and the events leading up to it truly leave me at a loss. They seem so contrary to what I know of God's character. I've heard of similar events happening to others and could still believe that God is supreme and has a plan. But this happening so close, brought me face to face with the big question, if there is a God, than why?

I still don't have an answer as to why. I'm not sure I'll have one anytime soon. But I do know that I need to hang onto my faith. I have to believe that there is an answer to the why even though I can't see it. I have to believe that there is a reason for all of this. There is more to all of this, I'm just not sure how to put it into words right now.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD."As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

On the lighter side, while Chris and I were out of town on our emergency trip, my parents managed to set off our house alarm no less than three times. Twice in one day. The cats were a little traumatized when we got home.

Things That are Probably Only Significant to Me

So I've officially had my first "panic attack" of the semester. The first of many I presume. I came home last night after 8 hours of work and 6 hours of class to a husband that was like a puppy waiting for his human to come home. He just missed me so much and wanted to show me all the things he learned about his new racing video game as I struggled to keep my eyes open collapsed in the chair. I was finally allowed to collapse in my bed where I was able to get at least a few hours sleep before my brain decided it needed to THINK. And THINK A LOT. I hate when my brain does this and it does it of course whenever I'm on the overloaded side.

So for the next several hours I tried my hardest to stop thinking. Thoughts of mental diagnoses, group therapy dynamics and empathy with patients I might dislike all swarm through my head. The idea of making new friends in school. Yes this stresses me out a lot. I'll have to write a whole other post as to why. Let me just say, making friends is pretty emotionally exhausting for me.

In addition, as I think I've mentioned before, I've taken on some added responsibility at Faire this season. One that I'm really looking forward to, but last weekend we had auditions for new members to be a part of my group and they didn't go at all like I had hoped, but we did bring in some much needed fresh blood. But that means I have until next Saturday to get all four new gals at least up to speed enough that they aren't left behind. So this means lots of emails, phone calls, explanations, more friendship building, research, guidance and just effort and energy. So I'm feeling a bit thinly spread. Somewhere in the background is my poor patient husband waiting his turn with his wife who is always insanely busy.

I think things will calm down once I get the new kids integrated and I settle into a routine with school, but for now, I'm a little overwhelmed.

**********

So two days ago I was in the shower and I hear something really small hit the floor. I was confused because well, I wasn't wearing clothes or jewelry in the shower and I wasn't too sure what the heck would have dropped. After I got out of the shower I realized it was the little ball on my belly button ring that keeps it from slipping out. I was bummed because I don't have another one and it most likely fell down the drain. So I went all ghetto and put on a little rubber thing you use on French hook earrings to keep them from falling out as a temporary solution. (Stay with me, I promise there is a point)

Ne next day in the shower I found the little ball in the corner of the shower. Much joy was had. I didn't want to just put it back on until I disinfected it, and I was too lazy to do so at the time, so I put it my jewelry bowl and figured I'd do it later. Last night the little rubber thing on the ring fell off, lost to the world while I was at school. So I spent the rest of the night worrying that the ring would come out. Once I got home, I disinfected both the ring and little ball and put it all back in.

Then I started thinking. Why in heck am I doing all of this? I got the belly button ring when I was 21. It was my great act of rebellion. My mom HATED it and since I was stuck living with her, it was the most perfect thing ever. Not as permanent as a tattoo, but certainly pressed the same buttons. And for me, the all around, general "good girl", this was the best I could do in the rebellion department.

But I'm not 21 anymore. And I most certainly don't have my cute little 21 year old tummy (which I just thought was so fat at the time, and still never showed off) anymore.  I had always figured I'd take it out when I got knocked up, but I also thought I would have been knocked up long ago. I'm really amazed it didn't dawn on me until just last night that I have absolutely no idea why I still have the thing and that I can take it out.  I'm just so used to having it I guess. It's not like I'm prancing around in bikinis these days. Even if I was, it's not like it still bugs my mom. That task was accomplished. It only irritates me most of the time; my pants sit right on it and press it into me. I have to practically pry it out of my belly button after a faire day. I've thankfully never had an infection, but still, it could always happen.

I asked Chris if he cared either way, and he said he didn't, so I think it's time to say good bye. Silly as it seems, I still am reserved. The one big act of rebellion I did. It was significant to me. So I guess I'll take a pic and then say good bye to my one piece of body jewelry.

And for the record. No I would NEVER do it again. It hurt sooooo bad and I almost passed out. I thought I was going to vomit all over the place. Afterwards my friends had to take me home to go to bed (I think it was about 7pm) because I was too shaky to go out with them afterwards. Yeah, so it's just been loads of fun from the beginning.  Oh silly rebellion.

First Day of School

Today is, what I am really hoping, the first of the last of my first days of school. Hopefully after today I will only have 6 more. But today is the last first day of school at a new school. I'm both a crazy mix of nervous and excited. I think I know what to expect, but really I don't. I was reading through the syllabuses yesterday and it seems the classes are a lot more hands on than I'm used to, which is great since I tend to do better in that kind of environment. But I was looking through the books and there is so much information and so much to know and remember. I can barely remember what I had for lunch, let alone keeping track of the differences between different types of therapy.

I am really excited for the opportunity to continue leaning about psychology though. And so happy with the thought that this will be my ticket out of my current job and into one that I will enjoy

I know I talked last year a bit about the Spring Rush, and this year certainly is no different. I've taken on new responsibilities at Renaissance Faire, which means I need to be even more committed than I have been before. Including making a new dress, writing schedules, and mentoring/leading a portion of the cast. I am so excited about this, but now looking at the school workload a little nervous about whether or not I'll live to see June. Thankfully I have some awesome support at faire and my amazing husband as mu support system at home to help. But still. I reserve the right now to have a few breakdowns at some point in the next few months.

Chris and I are still going to continue trying to have a baby. I figure if all goes well in June of 2013 I'll either be holding a Masters degree or a baby. Ideally I'd like to be holding both, but I know that's not too likely. One semester at a time. But at least I'm moving forward. I don't want my life to be defined by IF. As debilitating as it is, I can't let it control my life and hold me back. Doesn't mean the IF journey is any easier, just means I'm in control, not IF.

The loans for this school thing are intense. But hopefully we'll be able to pay off the CC's and be completely debt free aside from the loan and the house of course. That would be really nice. And that's the plan anyway. But as we all know, plans don't always work quite the way we want, so we'll just see what happens.

So was that post jumbled up enough for you? My brain is kind of wired and I have a TON of work that I really should be doing right now instead. But I wanted to vomit my thoughts onto my blog first. You're welcome.

2011

I hadn't really thought of a big "Farewell to 2010, Hello 2011" post. I realized last night that I'm not feeling particularly retrospective/forespective (is that a word? If not I call dibs) this New Years. Part of it may be because the holidays this year have just been a whirlwind of craziness, and I haven't had much chance to think about it. Or maybe, I'm just tired. I don't know, either way I don't have much. 2010 was a good year overall. Not spectacular, but good. It had its ups and downs, but overall I'm happy with the year.

Looking at my "Goals for 2010" post from last year, I'll review the year:

Travel: We still didn't travel as much as I had wanted. We did get our vacation. Not to The Mexican Riviera, but to Santa Barbara. Not quite as exciting, but it was still a great trip. We had a lot of fun and I still have a bunch of pics to post. I'm not going to set as many lofty travel goals for this year, but I am hoping to get at least a couple of weekend getaways in there. The big trip for the year will be a family reunion in Texas next Christmas.

Home: We did make some good progress towards making the house more of a home, and more importantly, our home. We got new couches and an awesome oversized chair that we love cuddling in. I got one more room painted and we got a new dishwasher. I've gotten rid of all the previous owners horrid curtains and put up new ones that are much more us. Oh and a brand new very expensive pipe in our front yard. You can't see it, but at least we can flush our toilets now with the secure knowledge that **stuff** won't come up the drain in our front yard. Of course there is still a lot more I'd like to do. We'll probably be getting a new oven/stove before the end of the year, completing our new appliances in the kitchen, and I'd like to paint another room or two. But we'll just see. At least all of the rooms in our house are at least functional now; I have a place to sew and workout and a place for friends to crash if needed, and a place for friends and family to hang out. So I'm happy.

School: It's official. I start grad school next week. I am excited and nervous. If all goes well I will complete the program in about 2 ½ years. I am really looking forward to getting more in depth with psychology and learning how to put into practice what I've already learned. I am really excited at the prospect that I will actually do what I want to do for a living someday. Maybe not in 2 ½ years, but this is a big step in the right direction. I'm sure many school updates will follow.

Work: I feel I have stepped up my work ethics. Maybe not as much as I could have, but I have stopped spending my days reading blogs or on message boards or writing emails. I have really focused on getting stuff accomplished quickly and well. I know I can still do betting and I will continue to work on this, but I am happy with the progress made.

Spirituality: I have grown in this this year as well. I had a kind of epiphany earlier in the year in regards to my faith and our infertility which brought me back to a place I hadn't been in quite some time. A few months ago Chris and I started going back to church and I love that we've been going. It's not always easy to get up early on a Sunday morning, but it's definitely worth it.

So all in all 2010 was a good year and I saw all of my hopes for the year realized in at least some fashion. It may not have been as monumental as 2009, but I think I needed a non-monumental year. I may post a "Hopes for 2011" a little later, but I don't know. Like I said, I haven't really thought too much about it. I'm fairly satisfied with what I have and most of what I want would be mostly a continuation from last year. But if 2011 stays in the same line, I think I'll be just as content a year from now.

My Chemical Romance

So I've always loved music. I'm not too picky. I think there is at least one song of each genre that I like. Some genres I of course like better, but I have never really been one to focus on one type let along a single band that I liked enough to actually consider myself a fan of. And I mean a fan like, gets to know the members of the band, their story, and actually build an emotional attachment with that artist and their music. There have been very few that for me have stood out enough for me to put forth that effort. About seven years ago I heard a song that caught my attention called "I'm Not OK" by My Chemical Romance. Rarely has a single song caught my attention enough for me to be pulled into the world of the artist, but this song did it. It was the anthem of my high school years, though it was late, I had fallen in love with it. Enough that I began my emotional love affair with the band. The more research I did into the group the more of a connection I felt to them. They are generally my age, and their life stories are all relatable. As well as their music has a dramatic flair that I just adore with a twisted sense of humor that captures my heart.

They just released their fourth CD in November and if you want my opinion, you would be doing yourself a favor to pick it up. In celebration of this brand new album, that we've waited four years for, my friend Alyson and I went to see them in concert. I was lucky enough to see them three and a half years ago on their Black Parade tour, but I was so ready for some new live MCR. And they so did not disappoint. They played at a Christmas Concert series, so they were the second headliners on the night and by far the show the crowd most enjoyed. It was just so awesome and we had excellent seats, Alyson and I just screamed like tweens seeing Justine Beiber.

Here are some pics, they were with my phone, so sorry for the poor quality

Our close proximity to the stage

They look so tiny!

So hot!

The bright orange head you see in the top center is Gerard Way, standing next to his wife, then Mikey's wife, and the tall skinny blondish guy is Mikey Way. They were standing right below us watching the Smashing Pumpkins. Sqeeee!

Alyson and I all excited. :)

The other bands that played were Switchfoot, Jimmy Eat World, Bad Religion and Smashing Pumpkins. All of who were really awesome. I was however disappointed in the Pumpkins. Especially with them being one of the bigger bands of my adolescent years, their show was really blah and they only played their newer music. But the rest of the show was totally awesome. I already have my tickets to see MCR in May for their actual Danger Days Tour. Yay!!!

Updates

So it seems I owe a few updates. I never talked about the results of my little makeovers, life on Celexa and I never posted pics or a recap from our vacation, which was a lot of fun by the way. So that's my goal for this week to post some updates, then I won't feel as guilty about posting some new stuff. So stay tuned, if there is anyone out there still reading.

First Year

So yesterday was the one year anniversary of us getting the keys the keys to our first house. It has certainly been a year of ups and downs. Broken pipes, broken appliances, painting and the fun of trying to figure out where to find money to fix something else that just went wrong. It certainly hasn't been all roses.

But at the same time, we're still reveling in the idea that this is our house. I love that this is our house. I love this house. There is a lot I still want to do, a lot we've done and I'm sure unexpected problems will arise over the years, and I'm sure I will always have a room I want to paint, or one more piece of furniture that will finish off a room. But through it all I am so proud and happy with our home.
So here are some before and after pics of how the house has changed in a year. Please pardon the mess.

Living room

Bedroom#3

Bedoom #2

Dinning Room

 Kitchen

 Bedroom #1

A lot I still want to do. I think the kitchen is my next project, though it'll be a big one, so I'm saving up the energy. Hopefully a year from now I'll have some pics of the progress we make in the next year.



Moving On

At least preparing to. Two years I was moved into a nice middle level position with the Federal Government. A good stable and flexible job with good benefits and promotion and movement opportunities up the wazoo. Sure it's nowhere near what I'm in any way passionate about. On a daily basis I feel the life being sucked out of my soul and I see those that have been here for 20+ years as either walking corpses or someone who has set up their own mini empire, convinced this base cannot function without them, even though in reality they do nothing and they will more than likely die at their desk because it's all they have left in life. But it pays the bills, helped pay for our house, and pays nicely enough that combined with Chris's job we're comfortable.

And I guess that's the key word. Comfortable. I can easily find myself comfortable here. This job can quickly become a career before I even knew what was happening. I'm paying into a retirement that one day could be my soul source of income. I know my job. I'm familiar with the environment here. I grew up on an Air Force base, so really, it's an essential part of who I am. A huge piece of my life. To find a job somewhere else would mean I'd be leaving that piece behind. Which is really scary.

I had never intended to spend my life here. When I started in a temporary part time job seven years ago, I had no idea I would find myself here. In fact of all the temporary students around from those days, I think I'm the only one still here. Which I consider extremely lucky. I've been right where I needed to be for as long as I've been here. And as the last two years have passed I've become quite comfortable. Since graduating in 2009 it's become increasingly tempting to build a career here. Not the career I've always wanted for myself. But one that's good enough.

But, in contrast, over the last few months there have been small indications that this is not the place for me to set down roots. Nothing specifically big, just little things. It has become increasingly clear to me that I need to get out. I need to move on.

So I'm getting ready too. I applied to grad school and this week was officially accepted. I figure even though it won't be easy and I'm not exactly looking forward to going back to school. I at least owe it to myself to try. To take three years and work towards the career I know I really want.

I'm both excited and terrified. I hope I can do this. Just one year out of school and I'm afraid I've lost my momentum. That I won't be able to keep up anymore. But at the same time I'm really excited to be doing this for myself. To be learning more about what I'm passionate about. And that I'm taking steps that will hopefully open new doors for me.

We are going to continue TTC. I don't want to stop. I feel school is the place I need to be at right now, so I just need to trust that if I got KU it will work out somehow. I may need to take a break it I do. I really hope we don't have to wait another 3 years before we can have a baby. But I also can't keep putting this off just because I *might* get pregnant someday. And that's a BIG might at this point. So we'll just jump of that bridge when we come to it.

But overall, I'm really excited. I'm looking forward to this and the changes it means for Chris's and my future. So back to school I go!

Guess What

 

That's a BFN Pregnancy test there. In case you've never seen one. I have . A lot. So many in fact that I've developed a theory. My theory is that positive pregnancy tests don't actually exist. They don't. They're not real. They're just all a part of the fairly tail lie told when you are a impressionable little girl looking to a life with prince charming and 2-3 little charmings with starry eyes.

25 months. I've peed on a lot of sticks (or dipped the cheapy internet sticks into my pee, always fun) like this in the last 25 months. A LOT. Every single one with the same result. What did Einstein say? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result. Hmmm……

Long Time, No See

So it's been a while again. And you know, I don't feel guilty at all. I've come to the conclusion that I don't really like posting stuff just for the sake of posting something. And well let's be honest, I'm not that interesting. Just look at the name of the blog. It'll tell you. Plus, I've been enjoying my summer, not being on the computer. Except at work. Where I have no choice but to be chained to the damn thing. I'm really kinda over it. But here are some random things just to let you know I'm still alive and just doing my thang. (That's right, I pulled out a "thang". What'cha gonna do about it? That's what I thought)

~ So pictures. Yeah, I still have them. Ready to be added to the posts that are sitting in my draft folder. You'll get them eventually. I promise. They've been delayed for a few reasons. One being that I'm really pretty unhappy with the quality. All of our cameras really just suck. I really want a new higher quality camera, but I just can't justify spending the cash just to take pics of the latest room I painted. The second is I keep changing little stuff here and there and then the pics I took last week are now obsolete, and I'm pretty sure everyone really wants to see the latest and the greatest. I imagine angry mobs at my door because the pics I posted are a week old and lacking the art I just hung up.  And three of course is the typical laziness.

~There are some big changes in store for the 2011 season of faire. I'm pretty excited, though there are a good amount of people who are not so excited and there are waves of drama flowing through the ranks. This is to be expected, so I just ignore what I can and laugh at the rest and move on with my life. I'll post more about things after some things are a little more solid.

~Chris and I have officially become pet parents. Our precious little cats have us wrapped around their psycho little paws, and the claws and in. They have chicken (canned kitty chicken) given to them twice a day with all their daily natural remedies to help keep they sensitive little tummy's happy. They get a half hour of play time in the evenings. And we spent a boatload of money getting stuff that promises to break your cat from peeing around the house. Which actually seems to be pretty worth it. Lady Jane has managed to not pee in the house in almost a month which is pretty much a miracle of biblical proportions.

~Chris and I are actually going on vacation. With a hotel room booked and paid for and everything. I'm not allowed to say when we are going because Chris is sure someone will somehow know where we live, beat up our housesitter, bust through the security doors and magically figure out the house alarm code and rob us. So, I'll have to save the when for after we get back. But anyway, I am super excited and so ready for the break! SO hopefully I'll have a recap and crappy pics to post soon.

~I've been an exercise fiend lately. I've been desperately trying to get my body to look anything but scary in a swimsuit for vacation. My diet is still wishy washy, but I think the exercise is starting to pay off. I haven't really lost any weight, which is annoying as heck, but things are starting to firm up, which is what is more important to me anyway. I stopped using Spark People all together for now. I got tired of it, but I do still keep mental track of my calories.

~This week Chris and I had our third wedding anniversary. I can't believe how quickly these three years has gone by. And though we've definitely had our moments overall it has been wonderful and I can't imagine another person I'd rather spend my life with. Plus he's super cute. ;)

~We're coming up on the big two year mark for our TTC fail. I'm not at all looking forward to this anniversary. I really never thought it would take this long. We've all but given up for now. I haven't charted in months and thanks to PCOS I really have no idea if I'm even ovulating. This is actually good because it's given me a much needed emotional break this summer. Infertility is just so full of negative crap. Anger, jealousy, sadness, disappointment, depression, emptiness, inadequacy and the list goes on and on. And after a while it gets really hard to separate that from everything else. So, the break has been good. This doesn't mean at all that it's not constantly on my brain, in my thoughts and that the tears don't come. I truly can't imagine ever totally letting go of this. I'm thinking though that this fall we'll get a little more aggressive about things. I do not want to wait another year. But at the same time, I really don't know if emotionally I can handle any more of this. If something like an IUI doesn't work, I'm afraid the despair is just going to be too much to bear. At least right now I don't have much to get my hopes up about.

~Work has been insane busy this summer. We had a huge inspection on base, and everyone has been freaking out. Thankfully after today it's over. I'll be so grateful to have things slow back down around here again.

That's all I can really think about for now. I'll really try to post more when I think about it, if I have something to post. I should have a vacation recap up soon. J

Oh Hai

Oh hello there long lost blog readers! Maybe it was me that was lost. Who knows. Anyway. Sorry I've been lacking in the posting department. A mix of being sick and lazy, plus no decent laptop for two weeks and no internet for a couple of days. But all is mostly back to normal now and I have a few posts in the works and they should be up soon. And more on the back burner of my mind. Lots of pics and lots of changes. So stay tuned.

Random Crap

I actually wrote most of this post over a week ago and forgot to post it. Than a lot of what I talked about here changed. So here is the update to the post you never read. Yay!

 

OK, this will be much more condensed this time. I promise.

- I've become mildly obsessed with HGTV. A TV channel I barely knew existed 3 months ago is now my default channel. I love watched the redecoration shows and the home buying shows. My favorite is now House Hunters International. Which I just found out last night that the show is actually staged. To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement.

- I had every intension last week of completely forgetting my age and going to the midnight premier of Eclipse. Unfortunately real life and reality of home ownership reared its head when Chris called as I reached the theater with the news that our sewer was backing up into the house. Thankfully it wasn't too bad and wit was easily fixed the next day, but still, not being able to use your toilet for a night is kinda rough.

- Chris got his deep cleaning last Wednesday. He was stressing out about this almost as if the dentist had said he was pulling out each tooth and replacing it barbed wire without any pain meds. The whole thing actually went completely without incident. The dentist completed the whole thing in one sitting and he didn't even need any Novocain. However, it may be a few weeks for his emotions to recover.

- We finally got rid of one of our old couches. The other is in our office where it works actually pretty well, but is supposed to go to Chris's sister whenever she can find a way to get it to Arizona. The house is starting to feel more and more ours. Right now I mostly want to get rid of the ugly valences that she had up. They're so ugly and even worse, they're from the previous owners. I just want them gone. But new valences are like $15 each and I need at least 10 for the living and dining rooms (big window) and another 6 for the bedroom. That's way too much money. S they stay. Sadly.

- Bart has become beyond obsessed with getting outside and will stand at the door and just cry pathetically. I've noticed lately that he's picking up some real bad habits to get what he wants. Some training may be in order.

- I've had little to no desire to do any work lately. It's not that I don't have plenty to do. I just have no desire or motivation to do any of it. I'm so tired at work, and typically spend the day wishing I was home, where I can accomplish the things I'd really would rather be accomplishing and counting the hours until my next day off.

- I'm going kinda crazy waiting for MCR to finally announce the release of their new CD.

- At this point Chris and I doing any sort of vacation this summer is looking more and more like it's just not happening. I am pretty disappointed/upset about this. At this point I don't think we'll ever be able to have an actual vacation.

- We've been discussing getting me a new car. I'm torn because I have a little over a year and my car will be paid off. I do like my car, my first brand new car and it's been a great car. But it's coming up to a mileage where taking care of it is going to start getting expensive. I have equity into the car so we're pretty sure I can get a better car for similar payments a month. A new car would be nice. But I'm not sure I'd want to leave a new car at the vanpool meeting spot at the Wal-Mart parking lot or take a new car out to the faire site and leave it in the dirt parking lot. If I knew we would have a baby then I would probably take the plunge for a more family friendly car, but I'm not sure I want to if that never happens. If it's just gonna be the two of us might as well go for the smaller 2-door. Anyway, we started looking last week and I like some of the options. And we'll probably so some more looking this weekend. A lot will depend on if Chris's sister wants to buy my car or not.

Random: Workout

Random: Exercise

OK, so I actually have a few things I'd like to post. Most of which involve pictures. But since the idea of getting out my laptop, plugging my phone and or camera into said laptop and going through all the drama of letting the pictures automatically load to my hard drive seems amazingly difficult. You just get a rambling post from me today instead. How exciting for you. Try to refrain from bursting with excitement. However I will give you a moment to happy dance.

 OK, let's see what can I bore you with? Um…

OH! Workout schedule!! Remember at the beginning of the month when I was super optimistic about working out and I was all set to kick my own ass down a few sizes? Well, yeah. I posted a great weekly schedule that was supposed to keep me accountable. Which BTW, none of the 3 of you that read this blog did. I'd fire you, but then I wouldn't have any readers. So I'll just wag my finger angrily at the computer screen for a moment…. OK, done. I hope you feel ashamed. But not so much that you stop reading. Please. I love you. Don't leave me.

Anyway, yeah, so on the first I was super excited and went straight home and worked out on my Wii. Then my crappy left ankle monster said to me "screw you woman! I can no longer perform in this manner!!" So I realized then that I would have to rethink my workout routine. By pretty much not doing it anymore. In my defense however in the 6 months since I last was weighed by the Wii, I somehow seemed to neither lose nor gain a single ounce. Really? How is that possible? But I did get connected back with Spark People and started tracking my calories and exercises again. The following week was my week off and according to the ever knowledgeable internet you burn like 180 calories an hour painting (have I mentioned this before? I can't remember. But I think it's worth mentioning again, because it's pretty awesome), and since I painted for like 3 days solid, plus heavy cleaning and walking. I kicked some ass in exercising that week. But somehow, managed not to lose or gain a single ounce. WTF? I think my Wii Fit is broken. Or enjoys slowly driving me insane. Probably the latter. I suspect that thing is going to try taking over my home one day. Unite with other Wii Fits and take over the human race as we are forever forced to step in rythym to our Mii characters and twirl non existant hoola hoops for the rest of our lives. This is why I threaten my Fit with a baseball bat every now and then. Keep it in line, thus delaying the eventual hostile take over. Your welcome.

I can't remember at all how I spent the third week of June in my little goal of fitness. I think I tried working out on the Wii a bit seeing what I could do without angering the ankle monster. And I tracked my calories like a good girl. Mostly because damn it, I wand those freakin Spark points!!! I have no idea why they are so important to me. But they are. I could probably look back to that week and see in more detail what I did that week, but let's face it, if I don't care enough to do so, than why in the world would you care enough to read about it. So I'll just save us all.

So that leads us into last week. Which happened to be my birthday week. Which I will really recap once I'm not so daunted by picture uploads, so let's stick to the whole exercise/healthy eating stuff. Well as far as the healthy eating goes? You can forget that. Between Thai lunch with the girls on my Bday, birthday dinner at Cheesecake Factory with Chris (where I actually ate so much food I was sick the next morning, yeah, that's embarrassing), second birthday lunch with my dad at Sizzler the day after, and second birthday sushi dinner with my family the day after that, I decided I had no business even trying to calculate those calories. Which I'm sure would have made me lose Spark points (which I don't think they even do, but they probably would have made an exception for my bloated ass), and we can't have that. Or even take that chance. This is real important to me. Clearly.

But!! There is some redemption!!! My birthday was Tuesday. On Sunday Chris and I had our obligatory weekly trip to Target to pay our mandatory $100 on stuff we really need!!!! Really!!! And while meandering through the video game section for my husband to drool over things I don't care about in anyway, I saw that Sports Active had a new update to their Wii workout thing (like how technical I get there?). I was interested, because I liked the Sports Active when I tried it for that one month last summer. Chris asked if I wanted that for my Birthday. And where I really hadn't given much thought to my birthday present, I decided I didn't because well, why have him buy me something that I can probably talk him into whether it's my birthday or not?  I'm sneaky that way.

Well turns out he's sneaky too. Because he saw something that when I noticed it my brain immediately put up blockers and refused to process. Jenny McCarthy's Wii Workout. Yes, that's what Chris got me. Now, you have to understand. I wasn't really upset about this or bothered by the gift at all. I didn't take it as him meaning I needed to workout or anything, because I know that he wouldn't do that. He values his balls me too much.  And I didn't even mind that he had gotten me the workout thing after I didn't want to waste a perfectly good present on something I could get anytime, because really, I had no idea what I did want and had given him no clues and to be honest, I am so freakin spoiled anyway, he could have given me nothing but himself in a ribbon and I wouldn't have complained a bit.

But, what I did hesitate on what JENNY FREAKIN MCCARTHY. Me, working out to Jenny freakin McCarthy. The girl that I just remember as a C lister farting on MTV. And enforcing the false belief that vaccinations causes Autism. Really? What in the heck could Ms. Usually annoys the crap out of me have to possibly offer me in a workout? Now granted she looks great and I appreciate that she's no longer farting her way across my TV, but still, really? I may be a bit of a snob sometimes. Chris had seen that this particular workout came with a camera, to scan my moves and judge my workout from that. He remembered (isn't that cute!) that my biggest complaints about the Active and Fit were that the equipment (the hand controllers and Fit) tend to get in the way. And where the Fit definitely has its advantages, holding onto controllers and exercise equipment at the same time can get annoying really fast and that was definitely the Active's biggest weak point IMO.

So he got this workout with the hope that the camera would make it easier to workout. And you know what? I actually really like it. A lot. I've worked out on it a few times; the workout has several different workout options so you don't get bored. It's fast pace, without being killer. You can choose the level of intensity you want for the day. You can choose the length of workout that you want. It builds in warm up, workout, cool down and breaks and it flows really nicely. The moves are easy enough to follow along to. Jenny isn't nearly as annoying as I had feared.  The music isn't NEARLY as annoying as other workouts both on Wii and regular videos. It sets up a regimen, but it's not so strict that you feel yelled at if you don't stick to it. I'm really liking it. Plus monster ankle doesn't seem as annoyed by these workouts.  So far I haven't lost anything I actually gained a pound, but I haven't been all that consistent and don't forget the million calorie week last week, so the fact that I didn't gain 15 lbs I think is a miracle.

OK, that ended up being way longer than I had anticipated, so I'll release you from my blog with just that for now. I'll throw more random stuff at you later. I have a feeling this week will be kind of low key in the workout/health arena. I need to start tracking again, but I'm ashamed to return to the Spark page. I will definitely be doing the Jenny McCarthy workout though.

Disclaimer: I pretty much wrote this post exactly how my brain thought it out. So here's a peek inside my brain. Thriling, wasn't it.

Back to Work

My week off was wonderful. My co-worker dubbed it the Nestcation because I was spending it getting my house settled. And I am so glad I decided to take a week off just to devote to my house. I was able to get so much done. So a brief recap:

Saturday was supposed to be my first day of vacation, but since work offered some overtime, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to get some extra cash, so I worked in the morning. It was work, nothing much more to say. Then I came home and got ready. My BFF turned 30 the week before and since February I had been planning to surprise her and take her to go see The Lion King, which she has been dying to go see for years, but never made it. So we drove down to the OC and had an awesome Sushi dinner, her first and she loved it, then I gave her the card with her ticket. Her face was priceless. The play was absolutely beautiful. Very well done. I think it has become one of my favorites. We had such a fun night together. She lived about an hour away and we both work full time so we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like to, so it was really nice visiting and catching up.

Sunday, Vanessa spent the night because we got back too late for her to drive back. Chris and I watched some TV while she slept in and I made everyone a yummy breakfast. Than Chris and I started on the house. We replaced the blinds in our middle bedroom because they broke. It sucked because they were really nice blinds and we just put up the cheap venetian blinds. I'm not in love, but they get the job done until I decide what I want to put up. I can't remember what else we did that day. I think just some house cleaning.

Monday I got started with the clean up. I got up had some breakfast and got to work. I made sure to stay away from the TV and computer. They can be great but also some major time suckers and I really wanted to make some progress this week. I threw away a ton of crap. I didn't even bother with a "yard sale" pile. I just wanted stuff gone. I was happy to fill up the recycle bin before the truck came so I could put more stuff in it. Since I wanted to switch the rooms, I put a lot of stuff in the garage to be brought back in when the furniture and painting were finished. I also finished painting in the middle bedroom. It was PINK!!!! when we bought the house. Bottles of Pepto Bismo look better than this room did. So it was the first to be painted when we moved in, but moving day came faster than finishing the paint job and it's had a pink corner for the last six months. So I made the PINK!!!! disappear. That night Chris and I moved the twin bed from the back room to the middle room.

Tuesday was a day I scheduled a break. My brother had given me a Spa Finder gift card years ago, but I was too lazy to find a place that took it. Finally I decided I needed a facial after faire to clean out all the dirt. So I found out that International Skin and Body Care accepted the gift card. I had never been, but I had heard good things. So I made an appointment for a facial and tub soak. And oh my, was it heavenly. The whole experience was wonderful. Everyone was so nice. I will definitely be going back. After that incredible morning, it was back to work. I went to Home Depot and got the paint I wanted to paint the back room. I then finished organized stuff in the garage, emptying out the back room and throwing stuff away. That night Chris and I taped off the back room.

Side note: If you decide to go and move dusty boxes and get all sweaty and gross immediately after a facial that opens up all your pores. Expect a few zits to show up. I think I was rather lucky, but I did have one pretty nasty one show up by the end of the week. Could have been much worse.

Wednesday I started painting. Nothing to interesting about that. Except my brother showed up to help and we were able to get all the walls done. Did you know you burn close to 200 calories and hour while painting? According to Spark People you do, so I didn't mind when A few days I went over my calorie limit a bit, I figured my body needed it.

Thursday was another break day. My mom made reservations for us to go and have tea and The Huntington. Chris took the day off of work so I left him home to tape up for painting the trim and gave him a few other projects and my mom and I went off to The Huntington. I just love that place. I had only been there once before, but couldn't stay long because it started pouring. Made it rather difficult to look at all the gardens. My mom and I only looked through about half of them, there are just so many. Tea was so much fun and so good. They had a little buffet of finger sandwiches and fruit. I was so full by the time we were done. Then of course we hit the gift shop up and spent way too much money. It was a lot of fun. Great birthday present from my mom. I came home to see the back room had all been taped off for me and Chris had done his tasks. I painted just a bit of trim to feel like I had accomplished something that day and called it a day.

Friday, Chris and I finished the back room. Painting the trim and doing the touchups. Then moved stuff back into the rooms in an organized fashion. Well as much as possible.

Saturday morning we brought the desk and hope chest that I had left at my parents house since I moved out over to our house finally. My mom was very thankful for this. And that was pretty much all we did on the house for the week. Chris Spent the rest of the day trimming the trees and bushes that were starting to get a little over grown with his new electric hand saw while I went to a birthday party. Then we went to dinner and had Sushi again. Sunday was half lazy and then we went to visit Chris's grandparents.

So that's pretty much it. There is still a lot to be done. Some of the stuff in the garage still needs to be moved back into the house. I didn't get a chance to clean out the closets to either room, so those need to be cleaned, organized and switched. We bought book shelves yesterday so I could put away a lot of stuff that was hanging in boxes. I feel so much better having those boxes gone. I didn't get as much as I wanted done, but I feel like it was still a successful week. Both rooms are so much more functional and look so much better. I'm no longer embarrassed to show them to people. I'll have pictures in the next post. I promise!

I also called Ashley Furniture yesterday to get an ETA on our couches. Right now they're saying June 25^th is the soonest. Which puts them at almost 4 weeks since we bought them. Sigh. I hope we still like them when they get here. They might be out of style by then!

The Great Cleaning

So a few weeks ago I realized I needed to take some time off or I'd lose it, so I decided to spend one week dedicated to finishing the projects that were started when we moved it and were going to get to "in a little bit" We've now lived here for seven months and nothing has been done. My goal this week is to correct that. The list? Is pretty long and a little overwhelming. But I think I shopuld be able to at least make some significant progress.

I'm really looking forward to cleaning out and throwing stuff away and getting some order to our house.

Looking Productive

So, I’m supposed to be pricing office supplies right now. Which I’m not doing obviously. I hate pricing office supplies. It’s a part of my job that followed me from my old position because there is no one else to do it. Overall I don’t mind being the ordering person. But price checking is by far the worst part. So, in an attempt to still look productive at my desk and not be doing something on the internet that’s traceable I’m writing some blog posts that I’ve been meaning to write down. So I’m still being productive, just not in a way that my boss might particularly agree with.

OK, so I promise that this will not turn into simply a weekend recap blog, but it was an extra long weekend, and a lot happened so I’m going to share anyway. I had scheduled to take off Friday before the holiday months ago and I sooooo needed the extra long weekend. By the time I hit Thursday, it was all I could think about. I wanted to spend some time in my own home and get started on some projects there that I’ve put off since January.

Friday I planned to get my pile of faire crap in some kind of order. This is kinda big for me. It’s not unusual for me to come home closing weekend, throw all the crap into a corner and leave it there for 8 months until I need to get it out and in a panic somehow get it all cleaned and organized before Saturday approvals. So Friday morning I had a slightly lazy morning until I went in and tackled the crap pile. The Wii is in the back room and in an effort to use it again for the first time in months I popped in the Netflix streaming CD and watched some Eddie Izzard on the Instant Queue. I just love him so much. How in the world is a man that wears makeup better than be just so damn sexy. Incidentally, if you haven’t ever seen one of Eddie Izzard’s shows, holy crap what are you waiting for, go to Netflix NOW and get yourself one or all of his shows. I recommend starting with Dressed to Kill. Freakin Brilliant.

Anyway, dear Eddie made the whole thing go much smoother. I sorted and organized and washed, underthings and dishes. I tossed my dress into the backseat of my car to drop off at the cleaners. I was so proud of myself. There was only so much I could do because there is a lot of sewing crap that will have to be better organized when my sewing corner is set up.

I made myself an appointment to get my hair done, like I talked about a little in my last post. It came out great. I love it. I have no idea why I look so pissed in these pictures though. Possible because I was concentrating on clicking the button. That was pretty difficult. At the end of the appointment I immediately made myself another one in 10 weeks. I figure I can save up or if it looks like money is tight I can cancel, but this keeps me from getting lost in time, being too embarrassed to call and all that jazz. The appointment is made, and it’s all upkeep from here. :)

Before

After

That afternoon I found myself with very little to do for the first time in months. I ran by Home Depot and picked up some sample paint that I’d like to paint the office/sewing room. Other than that I pretty much just wasted an afternoon on the couch. It was so nice. :)

Saturday, was back up to faire site one last time to help with tear down. Not much to say here except it was HOT and I got to use power tools. I worked hard enough to get some blisters and cuts and feel like I did my part. Its hard work, but really I love it. I feel like I accomplish something when I can get down and dirty with a power tool. That’s not a euphemism, get your mind out of the gutter.

Anyway, Saturday Chris was down at his grandparent’s house finishing up painting their house, and that ended up taking the rest of the day, so I got another lazy day on the couch alone. It was nice, but I was missing my husband by then.

Sunday, we were both actually home. I made breakfast, we had a nice slow and lazy morning. We went down to Chris’s grandparent’s house in the afternoon for his grandma’s 88th birthday. And we stayed there pretty late.

Monday was another nice and lazy morning. We were invited to about 4 different Memorial Day things, but since we had hardly spent much time with each other since faire started, we wanted to spend the day together. I also wanted to get something else accomplished so I dragged Chris out to go look at couches. 2 stores and several hours later e finally found our couches. We both really like them and that’s probably the first time we could say that about any set. They’re comfortable, the right size for our living room and we both liked the color. We got the couch, loveseat, oversized chair and ottoman all at 20% off. Which is great because after you add in the tax, delivery and protection plan, they were quite pricey. Enough that it looks like we will have to pass on the cruise this year. But the Couches are worth the sacrifice. We’ll hopefully enjoy them for much longer.

Here are some pics. Sorry for the poor cell phone quality. They are actually much darker than they look in the pics. We have to wait a while for them to be delivered because they didn’t have any in stock, which kinda sucks, but at least gives us time to get rid of the old stuff.

Couch and Love Seat

Chair, Ottoman and some sexy guy hanging out

We spent the late afternoon BBQing steaks, drinking and crying over the huge amount of money we just spent.

All in all it was a great weekend. One I very much needed. It was great to have so much down time and be able to catch my breath. Something I felt like I didn’t get a chance to do all May.

I’ll post some plans for the week off soon.

Seriously, Where Did May Go?

Holy crap May went by fast!! I swear that was one whirlwind of a month. Work was insanely busy and with my weekends so packed, there was very little time to relax. Because of that I have been looking forward to June like a five year old waiting for Christmas. I specifically planned June to be a month with built in relaxation to make up for May.

It's also the month that I start all my changes. I started back on Spark People yesterday with tracking my food. I bought a TON of fresh fruits and veggies at Sprouts and their yummy organic chicken and beef. And have been focusing on drinking more water.

I also plan to start working out again. I wanted to start yesterday, but we had friends over for dinner and that took pretty much the whole night. But, I am going to post my weekly workout plan here and at the end of the week what I actually did. Sort of a way to keep myself accountable. I'm starting off with small chunks. So:

Wednesday June 2^nd: Wii workout for 25 min
Thursday June 3^rd: 20 min jog with Wii
Friday June 4^th: Wii workout for 25 min
Saturday: Wii yoga workout (going to try, Saturday is going to be busy)

So I made that up just now, but it looks good. So we'll see how it goes. The Wii Workout is a mix of cardio, strength and yoga. I'm sure there will also be some bedroom cardio in addition, but I may or may not include that in the weekly workout wrap-up. ;) 

Anyway in addition to my ultra long weekend off last weekend, I only have to work four days before I'm off again. The week will be mixed with house stuff and relaxing. I have a facial scheduled for next Tuesday and my mom and I are going to The Huntington for Tea on Thursday. Both I'm really excited for. This Saturday I'm taking my friend to go see The Lion King in Orange County and introduce her to Sushi for her birthday. :)

Later in the month we have a friend's baby's first birthday, at least one trip to Disneyland and I'm having a little after faire get together with some of my faire family. Our first party at our house since New Years and our first in the backyard. Hopefully it isn't too hot.

So I think June will go by pretty quickly too. But I think it'll be a lot of fun. As I said, I've really been looking forward to this month the last few weeks. I especially love summer and I can't wait to get this one started. Not so much looking forward to the triple digit heat, but I'll manage. I definitely like the heat better than the cold.