Things That are Probably Only Significant to Me

So I've officially had my first "panic attack" of the semester. The first of many I presume. I came home last night after 8 hours of work and 6 hours of class to a husband that was like a puppy waiting for his human to come home. He just missed me so much and wanted to show me all the things he learned about his new racing video game as I struggled to keep my eyes open collapsed in the chair. I was finally allowed to collapse in my bed where I was able to get at least a few hours sleep before my brain decided it needed to THINK. And THINK A LOT. I hate when my brain does this and it does it of course whenever I'm on the overloaded side.

So for the next several hours I tried my hardest to stop thinking. Thoughts of mental diagnoses, group therapy dynamics and empathy with patients I might dislike all swarm through my head. The idea of making new friends in school. Yes this stresses me out a lot. I'll have to write a whole other post as to why. Let me just say, making friends is pretty emotionally exhausting for me.

In addition, as I think I've mentioned before, I've taken on some added responsibility at Faire this season. One that I'm really looking forward to, but last weekend we had auditions for new members to be a part of my group and they didn't go at all like I had hoped, but we did bring in some much needed fresh blood. But that means I have until next Saturday to get all four new gals at least up to speed enough that they aren't left behind. So this means lots of emails, phone calls, explanations, more friendship building, research, guidance and just effort and energy. So I'm feeling a bit thinly spread. Somewhere in the background is my poor patient husband waiting his turn with his wife who is always insanely busy.

I think things will calm down once I get the new kids integrated and I settle into a routine with school, but for now, I'm a little overwhelmed.

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So two days ago I was in the shower and I hear something really small hit the floor. I was confused because well, I wasn't wearing clothes or jewelry in the shower and I wasn't too sure what the heck would have dropped. After I got out of the shower I realized it was the little ball on my belly button ring that keeps it from slipping out. I was bummed because I don't have another one and it most likely fell down the drain. So I went all ghetto and put on a little rubber thing you use on French hook earrings to keep them from falling out as a temporary solution. (Stay with me, I promise there is a point)

Ne next day in the shower I found the little ball in the corner of the shower. Much joy was had. I didn't want to just put it back on until I disinfected it, and I was too lazy to do so at the time, so I put it my jewelry bowl and figured I'd do it later. Last night the little rubber thing on the ring fell off, lost to the world while I was at school. So I spent the rest of the night worrying that the ring would come out. Once I got home, I disinfected both the ring and little ball and put it all back in.

Then I started thinking. Why in heck am I doing all of this? I got the belly button ring when I was 21. It was my great act of rebellion. My mom HATED it and since I was stuck living with her, it was the most perfect thing ever. Not as permanent as a tattoo, but certainly pressed the same buttons. And for me, the all around, general "good girl", this was the best I could do in the rebellion department.

But I'm not 21 anymore. And I most certainly don't have my cute little 21 year old tummy (which I just thought was so fat at the time, and still never showed off) anymore.  I had always figured I'd take it out when I got knocked up, but I also thought I would have been knocked up long ago. I'm really amazed it didn't dawn on me until just last night that I have absolutely no idea why I still have the thing and that I can take it out.  I'm just so used to having it I guess. It's not like I'm prancing around in bikinis these days. Even if I was, it's not like it still bugs my mom. That task was accomplished. It only irritates me most of the time; my pants sit right on it and press it into me. I have to practically pry it out of my belly button after a faire day. I've thankfully never had an infection, but still, it could always happen.

I asked Chris if he cared either way, and he said he didn't, so I think it's time to say good bye. Silly as it seems, I still am reserved. The one big act of rebellion I did. It was significant to me. So I guess I'll take a pic and then say good bye to my one piece of body jewelry.

And for the record. No I would NEVER do it again. It hurt sooooo bad and I almost passed out. I thought I was going to vomit all over the place. Afterwards my friends had to take me home to go to bed (I think it was about 7pm) because I was too shaky to go out with them afterwards. Yeah, so it's just been loads of fun from the beginning.  Oh silly rebellion.

First Day of School

Today is, what I am really hoping, the first of the last of my first days of school. Hopefully after today I will only have 6 more. But today is the last first day of school at a new school. I'm both a crazy mix of nervous and excited. I think I know what to expect, but really I don't. I was reading through the syllabuses yesterday and it seems the classes are a lot more hands on than I'm used to, which is great since I tend to do better in that kind of environment. But I was looking through the books and there is so much information and so much to know and remember. I can barely remember what I had for lunch, let alone keeping track of the differences between different types of therapy.

I am really excited for the opportunity to continue leaning about psychology though. And so happy with the thought that this will be my ticket out of my current job and into one that I will enjoy

I know I talked last year a bit about the Spring Rush, and this year certainly is no different. I've taken on new responsibilities at Renaissance Faire, which means I need to be even more committed than I have been before. Including making a new dress, writing schedules, and mentoring/leading a portion of the cast. I am so excited about this, but now looking at the school workload a little nervous about whether or not I'll live to see June. Thankfully I have some awesome support at faire and my amazing husband as mu support system at home to help. But still. I reserve the right now to have a few breakdowns at some point in the next few months.

Chris and I are still going to continue trying to have a baby. I figure if all goes well in June of 2013 I'll either be holding a Masters degree or a baby. Ideally I'd like to be holding both, but I know that's not too likely. One semester at a time. But at least I'm moving forward. I don't want my life to be defined by IF. As debilitating as it is, I can't let it control my life and hold me back. Doesn't mean the IF journey is any easier, just means I'm in control, not IF.

The loans for this school thing are intense. But hopefully we'll be able to pay off the CC's and be completely debt free aside from the loan and the house of course. That would be really nice. And that's the plan anyway. But as we all know, plans don't always work quite the way we want, so we'll just see what happens.

So was that post jumbled up enough for you? My brain is kind of wired and I have a TON of work that I really should be doing right now instead. But I wanted to vomit my thoughts onto my blog first. You're welcome.

2011

I hadn't really thought of a big "Farewell to 2010, Hello 2011" post. I realized last night that I'm not feeling particularly retrospective/forespective (is that a word? If not I call dibs) this New Years. Part of it may be because the holidays this year have just been a whirlwind of craziness, and I haven't had much chance to think about it. Or maybe, I'm just tired. I don't know, either way I don't have much. 2010 was a good year overall. Not spectacular, but good. It had its ups and downs, but overall I'm happy with the year.

Looking at my "Goals for 2010" post from last year, I'll review the year:

Travel: We still didn't travel as much as I had wanted. We did get our vacation. Not to The Mexican Riviera, but to Santa Barbara. Not quite as exciting, but it was still a great trip. We had a lot of fun and I still have a bunch of pics to post. I'm not going to set as many lofty travel goals for this year, but I am hoping to get at least a couple of weekend getaways in there. The big trip for the year will be a family reunion in Texas next Christmas.

Home: We did make some good progress towards making the house more of a home, and more importantly, our home. We got new couches and an awesome oversized chair that we love cuddling in. I got one more room painted and we got a new dishwasher. I've gotten rid of all the previous owners horrid curtains and put up new ones that are much more us. Oh and a brand new very expensive pipe in our front yard. You can't see it, but at least we can flush our toilets now with the secure knowledge that **stuff** won't come up the drain in our front yard. Of course there is still a lot more I'd like to do. We'll probably be getting a new oven/stove before the end of the year, completing our new appliances in the kitchen, and I'd like to paint another room or two. But we'll just see. At least all of the rooms in our house are at least functional now; I have a place to sew and workout and a place for friends to crash if needed, and a place for friends and family to hang out. So I'm happy.

School: It's official. I start grad school next week. I am excited and nervous. If all goes well I will complete the program in about 2 ½ years. I am really looking forward to getting more in depth with psychology and learning how to put into practice what I've already learned. I am really excited at the prospect that I will actually do what I want to do for a living someday. Maybe not in 2 ½ years, but this is a big step in the right direction. I'm sure many school updates will follow.

Work: I feel I have stepped up my work ethics. Maybe not as much as I could have, but I have stopped spending my days reading blogs or on message boards or writing emails. I have really focused on getting stuff accomplished quickly and well. I know I can still do betting and I will continue to work on this, but I am happy with the progress made.

Spirituality: I have grown in this this year as well. I had a kind of epiphany earlier in the year in regards to my faith and our infertility which brought me back to a place I hadn't been in quite some time. A few months ago Chris and I started going back to church and I love that we've been going. It's not always easy to get up early on a Sunday morning, but it's definitely worth it.

So all in all 2010 was a good year and I saw all of my hopes for the year realized in at least some fashion. It may not have been as monumental as 2009, but I think I needed a non-monumental year. I may post a "Hopes for 2011" a little later, but I don't know. Like I said, I haven't really thought too much about it. I'm fairly satisfied with what I have and most of what I want would be mostly a continuation from last year. But if 2011 stays in the same line, I think I'll be just as content a year from now.