OK, as you may have noticed, I've been having a bit of rough time lately. And I can't say I'm wonderful, this week was slightly brighter than last week. Though it was still a struggle. But I've decided to focus on the things that helped make my week a little brighter.
I ordered some things that were completely unnecessary. I've had this site bookmarked for probable more than 3 years, but just couldn't justify spending money on items that were so frivolous. But last week I decided that I wanted a few items to use during faire. So I ordered a coin purse to hold my money/id/pass, a small pouch to segregate my faire makeup from my real life make up, and a bag to help lug things back and forth. I love the attitude on these items and it makes me happy. They're so Dorothy. I was a little disappointed with the quality of the pouch, but it wasn't that expensive. Other than that, I'm happy with the purchase.
No sewing!! I know I still have a little to do on my dress to make it faire ready, but it was so nice to just enjoy my evenings again without feeling horrid guilt for not being chained to my sewing machine.
Peter Wingfield was on Human Target. Human Target started in January on Fox and we love the show. Though I admit part of my enjoyment comes from the fact that Mark Valley is just so damn cute. (Geek alert!) Peter Winfield used to be on Highlander (a show I adore, cheesy as it is) and I used to drool over him then. He hasn't done a whole lot since, so seeing him as the bad guy in this week’s episode just made my soul happy. He's just so dreamy. I know, I’m a nerd.
Lady Jane’s diarrhea seems to have finally stopped. My mother-in-law ordered some stuff online that sells natural pet remedies, and one of the samples was called Luxolite and that stuff literally fixed her in a day. It’s amazing. I am so incredibly happy with this product. I ordered the 16oz bottle and we give her a little every day. What I love even more is it’s not a drug, so I can continue to give it to her without it doing her any harm. She’s like a whole new cat. And I am sooooo relieved not to be cleaning cat diarrhea off my floor anymore.
My husband. He’s just so sweet and adorable. I’m one lucky gal.
His video. My mom told me about it, and it’s just too cute and funny. I’ve watched it so many times already:
Mar 27, 2010
Dealing
So when I was in my early 20’s my doctor started me on Paxil to deal with my depression. The idea at the time was I probably just needed it to correct a chemical brain imbalance and after about 6-9 months I wouldn’t need it any more. If I remember correctly I stayed on it for just over a year when I lost my health insurance and couldn’t afford the medication anymore. I went through HORRIBLE withdraws. But once that was over I was great. I seemed to have gone back to my “usual self” (whoever that is).
Shortly after getting married I started to feel depressed again. I had health insurance again, so after a few months I went back to the doc and got put back on an antidepressant. For the life of me I can’t remember which one. I stayed on it for about a year before deciding to stop again. My thinking at the time is 1. I was thinking it must be that damn brain chemical imbalance again and 2. We wanted to start trying to get pregnant, and I didn’t want to be on antidepressants while pregnant.
Well after the horrible withdraws, this time I wasn’t as great. I was better, but not great. And though there are definitely times since then where I feel more in control and actually happy, things have grown steadily worse. Obviously when life gets more stressed it gets worse. And I just can’t avoid stressful life moments. And seeing them through the eyes of depression just makes them so much worse.
So last week when I was sitting at my desk unable to do any work and bursting into tears because just the idea of walking to the microwave to cook my lunch seemed equivalent to laying on the ground as someone kicks me in the stomach for 5 days, I made a phone call to my doctor to start the medication again. It finally hit me. If I didn’t have to live this way, then why am I?
This was significant for a couple of reasons. One being I’ve finally come to the conclusion, after dealing with depression for 12 years, that I’m not one of the individuals that just has a chemical imbalance that can be corrected with brief treatment. This will be forever for me. And can I just say how incredible angry and sad that idea makes me? I will most likely need to take something for my depression and anxiety for the rest of my life. And where I know as far as lifetime medications go, this is by far not as bad as it could be and it’s easily workable, it just makes me sad to think that I’ll never be whole without it.
Also I’ve learned that depression is one of the symptoms of PCOS. So that’s another clue that it’s not going to go away anytime soon. Which is ironic too because the in ability to have a baby also only contributes to the depression that the PCOS is probably causing to begin with. One of the reasons I stopped the meds to begin with was to try and be “healthy” if I got pregnant. But I’ve come to realize that I owe it to myself, my husband and that mythical future child to be on the medication. If I’m this bad now, how would it be if I were pregnant or postpartum? (I’m laughing as I write this because really I feel pretty stupid writing that like I’ll ever be in that situation.)
This is all pretty funny also because I’m going to school for Psychology. I part of me feels like what good would I ever be as a therapist anyway? Who would want to go see a therapist that is broken? And what’s really funny, is that damn stigma. I HATE the stigma that’s attached to mental disorders and the lack of understanding and the fears that people have. And I’ll be one of the first to argue against anyone who says that mental disabilities should be looked at and treated differently than a physical disorder (And of course I mean socially, not medically). And yet, here I am scared of my own stigma that I know is wrong. Aren’t internal conflicts just awesome!!! But this whole thing has made me question my chosen path. I love Psychology, I really do, but maybe it’s not what I should be going into.
Overall this week I’m feeling better, but life is calmer this week than it was last week. So though I feel better I know that it really hasn’t gone away, it’s just waiting for life to get a little crazier again and then it’ll paralyze me all over again.
But that’s pretty much how I’m dealing right now. I saw the doctor on Tuesday and he prescribed Celexa. Which I'm happy with since its side effects seem minimal. It takes about 2-3 weeks for an SSRI to start being effective, so now I wait. He wants to see me in a couple of weeks and in a month to see how I'm doing. I appreciate that he's not just throwing pills at me and sending me on my way. I may seek therapy as well, but I think I need to get my mind in some kind of balance first before I can handle that. So we'll see I guess.
Shortly after getting married I started to feel depressed again. I had health insurance again, so after a few months I went back to the doc and got put back on an antidepressant. For the life of me I can’t remember which one. I stayed on it for about a year before deciding to stop again. My thinking at the time is 1. I was thinking it must be that damn brain chemical imbalance again and 2. We wanted to start trying to get pregnant, and I didn’t want to be on antidepressants while pregnant.
Well after the horrible withdraws, this time I wasn’t as great. I was better, but not great. And though there are definitely times since then where I feel more in control and actually happy, things have grown steadily worse. Obviously when life gets more stressed it gets worse. And I just can’t avoid stressful life moments. And seeing them through the eyes of depression just makes them so much worse.
So last week when I was sitting at my desk unable to do any work and bursting into tears because just the idea of walking to the microwave to cook my lunch seemed equivalent to laying on the ground as someone kicks me in the stomach for 5 days, I made a phone call to my doctor to start the medication again. It finally hit me. If I didn’t have to live this way, then why am I?
This was significant for a couple of reasons. One being I’ve finally come to the conclusion, after dealing with depression for 12 years, that I’m not one of the individuals that just has a chemical imbalance that can be corrected with brief treatment. This will be forever for me. And can I just say how incredible angry and sad that idea makes me? I will most likely need to take something for my depression and anxiety for the rest of my life. And where I know as far as lifetime medications go, this is by far not as bad as it could be and it’s easily workable, it just makes me sad to think that I’ll never be whole without it.
Also I’ve learned that depression is one of the symptoms of PCOS. So that’s another clue that it’s not going to go away anytime soon. Which is ironic too because the in ability to have a baby also only contributes to the depression that the PCOS is probably causing to begin with. One of the reasons I stopped the meds to begin with was to try and be “healthy” if I got pregnant. But I’ve come to realize that I owe it to myself, my husband and that mythical future child to be on the medication. If I’m this bad now, how would it be if I were pregnant or postpartum? (I’m laughing as I write this because really I feel pretty stupid writing that like I’ll ever be in that situation.)
This is all pretty funny also because I’m going to school for Psychology. I part of me feels like what good would I ever be as a therapist anyway? Who would want to go see a therapist that is broken? And what’s really funny, is that damn stigma. I HATE the stigma that’s attached to mental disorders and the lack of understanding and the fears that people have. And I’ll be one of the first to argue against anyone who says that mental disabilities should be looked at and treated differently than a physical disorder (And of course I mean socially, not medically). And yet, here I am scared of my own stigma that I know is wrong. Aren’t internal conflicts just awesome!!! But this whole thing has made me question my chosen path. I love Psychology, I really do, but maybe it’s not what I should be going into.
Overall this week I’m feeling better, but life is calmer this week than it was last week. So though I feel better I know that it really hasn’t gone away, it’s just waiting for life to get a little crazier again and then it’ll paralyze me all over again.
But that’s pretty much how I’m dealing right now. I saw the doctor on Tuesday and he prescribed Celexa. Which I'm happy with since its side effects seem minimal. It takes about 2-3 weeks for an SSRI to start being effective, so now I wait. He wants to see me in a couple of weeks and in a month to see how I'm doing. I appreciate that he's not just throwing pills at me and sending me on my way. I may seek therapy as well, but I think I need to get my mind in some kind of balance first before I can handle that. So we'll see I guess.
Mar 24, 2010
Weekend Recap
Ok, I promise not to do a lot of these, because I’m sure you have better things to read than what I kind of sandwich I made on Saturday for lunch and how I made Sunday’s different. But if you really care about that, let me know, I’ll give you the updates, maybe even start Twittering them. Because I don’t think enough people are saying nonsense thing on their blogs and Twitter.
Anyway, first let me start by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS!!! to the husband. I had originally planned to write a separate happy birthday post to him, but that didn’t happen. I’m not a very good writer so as much as I would love to write one of those lovely dedicated posts that express my love and devotion and talk about how lucky I am, it would probably just come out kinda crappy. Plus he doesn’t really read my blog, so it would have been kind of pointless. So I just gave him a naked massage instead and I’m pretty sure he was much happier with that. Stick to what you’re good at, I always say.
His birthday was last Thursday and I felt bad because he was having kind of a rough week at work and it didn’t stop just because it was his birthday. Plus we both had been fighting a cold all week and where I was able to take a sick day to try and recover, his job isn’t as plentiful with the sick days, plus since he’s 100% commission every day he’s not there, is a day he doesn’t make any money. So he was pretty mentally and physically exhausted by Friday. We both took Friday off and planned to go to Disneyland (or DLand for Leslie and Kim). We had planned to go and get annual passes for Valentine’s Day, but we just never made it out of the house, so we planned to do it on Friday for his birthday instead.
I still had a decent amount of sewing to do for approval and the kitties, knowing it was still a weekday said that we needed to be up and play, so I got up early, and they fell asleep. Damn cats. But you know if I went back to bed, they’d wake back up. So I sewed all morning. I let Chris sleep, because I knew he needed it. He finally woke up about 11:30. He was bummed I let him sleep so late, but I figured Disneyland was open until midnight, so we still had plenty of time. We got lunch and cash and finally made it there about 3pm. Chris was till bummed it was so late, but I figured since we were getting passes and could come back whenever, what did it matter. It actually ended up being a perfect time. We missed the heat of the day (which really wasn’t all that hot to begin with, but still) and we were so done by 11:30 at night. If we had come earlier we would not have been able to hang so late. The only bad thing was apparently that Friday is one of the busiest days of the year for some weird reason so the place was PACKED. But it was still fun. And now we have way overpriced passes to go back whenever. We HAVE to go at least 4 more times to make it worth it, so that’s a bit of an incentive.
Of course we ran into faire people there, which amazed me since it was so crowded, but since Danny pretty much lived there anyway, I guess it was no surprise that we ran into him. It was good to see him, since he’s not doing faire this year.
We came home and crashed out. My body reminded me that it’s not 19 anymore and doesn’t appreciate all that I did to it that afternoon.
Saturday I got up early again to try and get some more sewing done. The moms came over about 11 AM and we headed to Hollywood to go see Cats. We wanted to leave early because we heard about a protest down Hollywood Blvd that would shut it down and to give extra time for traffic. I drove and thankfully I’m familiar with the area enough that I was able to get us there and parked without even messing with the protest. Cats was awesome. I saw it once before when I was in London over ten years ago now. I was so excited to see it again. It did not disappoint. I figured there would be some traffic on the way home, but it was awful!! It took over three hours and that doesn’t count us stopping for dinner.
Then Chris’s mom stayed and hung out for a while, which I didn’t mind except I had costume approval on an unfinished dress is a little over 12 hours and I didn’t feel like I could just ignore her and sew. After she left I sewed and sewed like crazy. Around midnight I realized the tall hat wasn’t getting made in time, so when I finished the sleeves I threw together a pill box hat and will hopefully get the tall hat approved this weekend. I finally crawled into bed at 4am. But the cats were just SO HAPPY that I was up most the night they were pretty upset that I decided to go to bed. Bart figured 3 hours sleep was plenty and after some cursing, yelling and maybe a throwing of a shoe he spent the next hour in the bathroom while I tried to get some rest.
I crawled out of bed about 8:30am, all kinds of grumpy. Mix of nerves and lack of sleep. I finally headed out to faire, way behind schedule. I got a fabulous comment as I got there. Then met up with the girls to discuss the previous day’s approvals and catch up on what was going on. After making sure the costume mistress was available for approval, I went and got dressed. I don’t think I can express how nervous I was. This is the third dress I’ve made and the previous two she has just ripped to shreds. The last one I was up all night before opening day remaking the bodice and she still HATED it. So I was pretty sure she was going to at least be pretty picky about this one. Even though it was much better made, I know there are still a decent amount of little issues that I expected her to start listing and yelling at me for. I had fully intended for hber to tell me that the dress wasn't approvable and that I should just pack my shit and go home.
But she didn’t she only pointed a small fit issue with the bodice, which should be pretty simple to fix and she signed my card*!!!! I couldn’t believe it! She didn’t bring out a ruler and start measuring lines or counting jewels or even question the really bad hat, she just signed it!! I was shocked. And so relived. I can’t express the relief enough. After approval I was planning to go be a part of guild stuff for bit, but a gal who used to be a part of faire YEARS ago showed up for a visit and we ended up catching up for an hour. At that point I had to go because Chris’s grandparents wanted to take us out for Chris’s birthday. I don't have any pics yet. I'll post some as soon as I do. This is one of the times I'm bummed my camera sucks. The pics won't be very good.
So I drove home, showered, and sat down and relaxed for a minute for the first time all weekend. At the last minute Chris’s grandparents decided not to come up so it was just us and his mom. We went to Spaghetti Factory and I had some wine to celebrate the dress approval. After dinner I ran to the grocery store, and then went to bed. I was so tired.
It was a very busy and full weekend. I usually complain that a weekend at home doing nothing doesn’t feel like a real weekend because I’m not LIVING LIFE!!! But I think there is such a thing as the opposite extreme having the same effect. But no complaints. Overall it was a great weekend.
*For workshops we have a reconing card. We have several requirements that we have to complete, the workshops that I've mentioned before, guild support such as building and other activities, costume approval and our guildmasters signature before we can get pur pass for the season.
Anyway, first let me start by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS!!! to the husband. I had originally planned to write a separate happy birthday post to him, but that didn’t happen. I’m not a very good writer so as much as I would love to write one of those lovely dedicated posts that express my love and devotion and talk about how lucky I am, it would probably just come out kinda crappy. Plus he doesn’t really read my blog, so it would have been kind of pointless. So I just gave him a naked massage instead and I’m pretty sure he was much happier with that. Stick to what you’re good at, I always say.
His birthday was last Thursday and I felt bad because he was having kind of a rough week at work and it didn’t stop just because it was his birthday. Plus we both had been fighting a cold all week and where I was able to take a sick day to try and recover, his job isn’t as plentiful with the sick days, plus since he’s 100% commission every day he’s not there, is a day he doesn’t make any money. So he was pretty mentally and physically exhausted by Friday. We both took Friday off and planned to go to Disneyland (or DLand for Leslie and Kim). We had planned to go and get annual passes for Valentine’s Day, but we just never made it out of the house, so we planned to do it on Friday for his birthday instead.
I still had a decent amount of sewing to do for approval and the kitties, knowing it was still a weekday said that we needed to be up and play, so I got up early, and they fell asleep. Damn cats. But you know if I went back to bed, they’d wake back up. So I sewed all morning. I let Chris sleep, because I knew he needed it. He finally woke up about 11:30. He was bummed I let him sleep so late, but I figured Disneyland was open until midnight, so we still had plenty of time. We got lunch and cash and finally made it there about 3pm. Chris was till bummed it was so late, but I figured since we were getting passes and could come back whenever, what did it matter. It actually ended up being a perfect time. We missed the heat of the day (which really wasn’t all that hot to begin with, but still) and we were so done by 11:30 at night. If we had come earlier we would not have been able to hang so late. The only bad thing was apparently that Friday is one of the busiest days of the year for some weird reason so the place was PACKED. But it was still fun. And now we have way overpriced passes to go back whenever. We HAVE to go at least 4 more times to make it worth it, so that’s a bit of an incentive.
Of course we ran into faire people there, which amazed me since it was so crowded, but since Danny pretty much lived there anyway, I guess it was no surprise that we ran into him. It was good to see him, since he’s not doing faire this year.
We came home and crashed out. My body reminded me that it’s not 19 anymore and doesn’t appreciate all that I did to it that afternoon.
Saturday I got up early again to try and get some more sewing done. The moms came over about 11 AM and we headed to Hollywood to go see Cats. We wanted to leave early because we heard about a protest down Hollywood Blvd that would shut it down and to give extra time for traffic. I drove and thankfully I’m familiar with the area enough that I was able to get us there and parked without even messing with the protest. Cats was awesome. I saw it once before when I was in London over ten years ago now. I was so excited to see it again. It did not disappoint. I figured there would be some traffic on the way home, but it was awful!! It took over three hours and that doesn’t count us stopping for dinner.
Then Chris’s mom stayed and hung out for a while, which I didn’t mind except I had costume approval on an unfinished dress is a little over 12 hours and I didn’t feel like I could just ignore her and sew. After she left I sewed and sewed like crazy. Around midnight I realized the tall hat wasn’t getting made in time, so when I finished the sleeves I threw together a pill box hat and will hopefully get the tall hat approved this weekend. I finally crawled into bed at 4am. But the cats were just SO HAPPY that I was up most the night they were pretty upset that I decided to go to bed. Bart figured 3 hours sleep was plenty and after some cursing, yelling and maybe a throwing of a shoe he spent the next hour in the bathroom while I tried to get some rest.
I crawled out of bed about 8:30am, all kinds of grumpy. Mix of nerves and lack of sleep. I finally headed out to faire, way behind schedule. I got a fabulous comment as I got there. Then met up with the girls to discuss the previous day’s approvals and catch up on what was going on. After making sure the costume mistress was available for approval, I went and got dressed. I don’t think I can express how nervous I was. This is the third dress I’ve made and the previous two she has just ripped to shreds. The last one I was up all night before opening day remaking the bodice and she still HATED it. So I was pretty sure she was going to at least be pretty picky about this one. Even though it was much better made, I know there are still a decent amount of little issues that I expected her to start listing and yelling at me for. I had fully intended for hber to tell me that the dress wasn't approvable and that I should just pack my shit and go home.
But she didn’t she only pointed a small fit issue with the bodice, which should be pretty simple to fix and she signed my card*!!!! I couldn’t believe it! She didn’t bring out a ruler and start measuring lines or counting jewels or even question the really bad hat, she just signed it!! I was shocked. And so relived. I can’t express the relief enough. After approval I was planning to go be a part of guild stuff for bit, but a gal who used to be a part of faire YEARS ago showed up for a visit and we ended up catching up for an hour. At that point I had to go because Chris’s grandparents wanted to take us out for Chris’s birthday. I don't have any pics yet. I'll post some as soon as I do. This is one of the times I'm bummed my camera sucks. The pics won't be very good.
So I drove home, showered, and sat down and relaxed for a minute for the first time all weekend. At the last minute Chris’s grandparents decided not to come up so it was just us and his mom. We went to Spaghetti Factory and I had some wine to celebrate the dress approval. After dinner I ran to the grocery store, and then went to bed. I was so tired.
It was a very busy and full weekend. I usually complain that a weekend at home doing nothing doesn’t feel like a real weekend because I’m not LIVING LIFE!!! But I think there is such a thing as the opposite extreme having the same effect. But no complaints. Overall it was a great weekend.
*For workshops we have a reconing card. We have several requirements that we have to complete, the workshops that I've mentioned before, guild support such as building and other activities, costume approval and our guildmasters signature before we can get pur pass for the season.
Mar 22, 2010
Hello Old Friend
So I really wrote this post about two weeks ago and I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not I was going to publish it ever since. Not because it isn’t exactly how I’ve been feeling (not only lately, but really for the last few months, and really when I think about it, for well over a year), but because it’s just so raw. It’s pretty embarrassing. I’ve never actually ever written out before what it’s like for me dealing with depression. It was freeing in a lot of ways but also extremely frightening. Writing it all out makes it so much more real.
But this post in a sense is how I’ve been seeing the world for a very long time now. I’ve thought about editing it a bit, because it’s kind of choppy and doesn’t really flow well. But I think that it’s a good example of how my brain is working right now, so I’m leaving it as is. This isn’t by far all I have or want to say about depression or what I’ve been feeling like, but it’s a start.
I guess it was shortly after high school when I first felt the darkness in my life. I remember just feeling so tired, so sad, so lethargic. I remember talking to the wife of my youth pastor in an attempt to try and get some support and guidance. She basically just told me that I just needed to pray more. Something I was already doing, and didn’t seem to be doing any good. This depression lasted the summer off and on. Not too heavy, but it was there. Always. After a few months it was gone.
Since then I’ve struggled with depression. Sometimes the darkness lasts longer than others. Sometimes it’s deeper; sometimes it’s so oppressive I think I’m going to drown. Others I can push it aside and everyone things I’m functioning like normal. I believe it was in my late 20’s that the anxiety decided to join the party.
Though, I don’t know if that’s true. When I think about it anxiety, most especially in social situations, is something I’ve always struggled with. I just didn’t realize it. I remember a time about 10 years ago when my usual ride for faire wasn’t available to I needed to call someone else for a ride because I still wasn’t driving yet. The lady I needed to call is someone who I knew fairly well, had offered me a ride if I ever needed one, and was never anything but kind to me. It took me an hour of hyperventilating to work up the courage to call her. And as soon as I hung up, I threw up.
And of course when I’m in the darkness the anxiety only gets worse. Sometimes I can barely drive without panicking about right turns. Yes, right turns freak the shit out of me. No, I have no idea why.
To this day I find I hardly know any of the women outside of my immediate office. Not because I don’t want to know them. But because I’m terrified to talk to them. I am absolutely freakin terrified. My stomach turns at the thought of it. Recently a few of them, probably realizing that I’m not going anywhere and always see me at the usual watering holes, have started to reach out to me and talk to me. One this usually leaves me stunned. I try to act as casual as possible, then run back to my tiny office shaking and go over every word that I said and how stupid it probably sounded.
What’s funny about this is you can ask me to get up on a stage and give a speech to 100+ people and I have no problem with that. And in other social situations I can be just fine. I’m not really sure what it is about some that just freak me out.
So, all this to say the darkness is back again. And it’s pretty heavy this time. I can’t work, because I just don’t care. I should. But I don’t. I’m exhausted from having to put a smile on my face and act like a normal human being. The guys coming to my office to talk about their retirements and adding their newborn to their health coverage don’t want to hear that I don’t have the energy to help them. My boss doesn’t want to hear that I’m too lost in my own mind to finish the files.
I feel so angry. I want to yell. I want to tell everyone to just fuck off. I want to break things. I want to cry. I want to run away from every responsibility every commitment no matter how small. I want it all gone. I feel so guilty. For my husband that really has no idea what to do with his wife that’s got some major “issues”. I feel guilty that I’m not taking care of things like I should be and that the aftermath will be a bitch the clean up. I feel guilty that I feel like I’m lying to everyone when I smile. I feel guilty that I’m a disappointment to everyone in my life who expects more from me than I can give right now. I feel sick. Nauseated. Exhausted. Cold. Hot. Drained. Anxious. I’m dizzy and shaky. Irritable and annoyed.
I know this will pass in time. But it really sucks right now. The worst part of it is. Sometimes I can’t tell which is the real me. The me in the darkness or the me out of the darkness. The darkness is comfortable. It’s familiar. It’s warm. I know my place here. I know what to expect. I know where I am. When I’m not in the darkness, I know it’s there. Always. Just off to the side. Waiting. And it’s only a matter of time before it returns. And that’s pretty terrifying.
But this post in a sense is how I’ve been seeing the world for a very long time now. I’ve thought about editing it a bit, because it’s kind of choppy and doesn’t really flow well. But I think that it’s a good example of how my brain is working right now, so I’m leaving it as is. This isn’t by far all I have or want to say about depression or what I’ve been feeling like, but it’s a start.
I guess it was shortly after high school when I first felt the darkness in my life. I remember just feeling so tired, so sad, so lethargic. I remember talking to the wife of my youth pastor in an attempt to try and get some support and guidance. She basically just told me that I just needed to pray more. Something I was already doing, and didn’t seem to be doing any good. This depression lasted the summer off and on. Not too heavy, but it was there. Always. After a few months it was gone.
Since then I’ve struggled with depression. Sometimes the darkness lasts longer than others. Sometimes it’s deeper; sometimes it’s so oppressive I think I’m going to drown. Others I can push it aside and everyone things I’m functioning like normal. I believe it was in my late 20’s that the anxiety decided to join the party.
Though, I don’t know if that’s true. When I think about it anxiety, most especially in social situations, is something I’ve always struggled with. I just didn’t realize it. I remember a time about 10 years ago when my usual ride for faire wasn’t available to I needed to call someone else for a ride because I still wasn’t driving yet. The lady I needed to call is someone who I knew fairly well, had offered me a ride if I ever needed one, and was never anything but kind to me. It took me an hour of hyperventilating to work up the courage to call her. And as soon as I hung up, I threw up.
And of course when I’m in the darkness the anxiety only gets worse. Sometimes I can barely drive without panicking about right turns. Yes, right turns freak the shit out of me. No, I have no idea why.
To this day I find I hardly know any of the women outside of my immediate office. Not because I don’t want to know them. But because I’m terrified to talk to them. I am absolutely freakin terrified. My stomach turns at the thought of it. Recently a few of them, probably realizing that I’m not going anywhere and always see me at the usual watering holes, have started to reach out to me and talk to me. One this usually leaves me stunned. I try to act as casual as possible, then run back to my tiny office shaking and go over every word that I said and how stupid it probably sounded.
What’s funny about this is you can ask me to get up on a stage and give a speech to 100+ people and I have no problem with that. And in other social situations I can be just fine. I’m not really sure what it is about some that just freak me out.
So, all this to say the darkness is back again. And it’s pretty heavy this time. I can’t work, because I just don’t care. I should. But I don’t. I’m exhausted from having to put a smile on my face and act like a normal human being. The guys coming to my office to talk about their retirements and adding their newborn to their health coverage don’t want to hear that I don’t have the energy to help them. My boss doesn’t want to hear that I’m too lost in my own mind to finish the files.
I feel so angry. I want to yell. I want to tell everyone to just fuck off. I want to break things. I want to cry. I want to run away from every responsibility every commitment no matter how small. I want it all gone. I feel so guilty. For my husband that really has no idea what to do with his wife that’s got some major “issues”. I feel guilty that I’m not taking care of things like I should be and that the aftermath will be a bitch the clean up. I feel guilty that I feel like I’m lying to everyone when I smile. I feel guilty that I’m a disappointment to everyone in my life who expects more from me than I can give right now. I feel sick. Nauseated. Exhausted. Cold. Hot. Drained. Anxious. I’m dizzy and shaky. Irritable and annoyed.
I know this will pass in time. But it really sucks right now. The worst part of it is. Sometimes I can’t tell which is the real me. The me in the darkness or the me out of the darkness. The darkness is comfortable. It’s familiar. It’s warm. I know my place here. I know what to expect. I know where I am. When I’m not in the darkness, I know it’s there. Always. Just off to the side. Waiting. And it’s only a matter of time before it returns. And that’s pretty terrifying.
Only At Faire
So I survived the weekend. It was fun but it totally kicked my ass. I’ll post more about it and a belated birthday post for the husband when I can comprehend a bit more. For now I’ll leave you with this gem:
Oddest. Compliment. Ever.
As I’m walking through the parking lot to faire workshops yesterday morning a “gentleman” also walking to faire makes this comment:
Him: Wow! You have a really nice gait!
Me: ???
Him: No really, your kinesiology is quite amazing! You’ve really got this bipedal thing down!
Me: Thank you?
65 Million years of evolution folks apparently ends with me being a really good biped. Probably the strangest complement I’ll ever receive, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.
Oddest. Compliment. Ever.
As I’m walking through the parking lot to faire workshops yesterday morning a “gentleman” also walking to faire makes this comment:
Him: Wow! You have a really nice gait!
Me: ???
Him: No really, your kinesiology is quite amazing! You’ve really got this bipedal thing down!
Me: Thank you?
65 Million years of evolution folks apparently ends with me being a really good biped. Probably the strangest complement I’ll ever receive, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.
Mar 15, 2010
Monday
So yeah. I haven’t written a whole lot lately. Partly because I haven’t had anything to say. Party because I’m busy. Partly because I’m not sure how to say what’s on my mind or what I’m going through. I’ve written a couple of posts, but still haven’t decided if I’m going to post them or not.
But in any case, here’s a post today. There is more that I want to put down, I’ll probably post about tomorrow. But for now this post is pretty basic.
This last weekend was the first out of 11 over the next 3 months that will be consumed with faire. The beginning of workshops. This weekend is like the first day of school. You are seeing friends and people that you haven’t seen since last season. There are lots of hugs, lots of catching up and of course lots and lots of DRAMA. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of drama that can be found around the faire site at any given moment. There is always a ready supply of gossip, hurt egos, back stabbings and your occasional good all out screaming fight. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t all that faire is, but there is no denying the drama is definitely thick around site.
My weekend personally remained relatively drama free, thankfully. Few moments of misunderstandings and annoyances, but for the most part I was able to enjoy myself. Which is my mission this season. My outside life is just too much and too stressful to come to faire and have it rival my real life. I need it to be my escape this season and I’m looking forward to it being so. Construction in Glade* is going beautifully and we’re already ahead of the game, which is just awesome. I already have 2 out of my 3 classes done (I love being a Master*), survived Queen Show* rehearsal and picked up the nickname of Sourdough-heel, which I don’t even know how to begin explaining. So far it’s promising to be a good season.
This coming week is PACKED. Dress MUST be finished this week. No exception. I finished the bodice over the weekend, so that leaves the forepart and sleeves and a million little details that individually are a big deal, but added together will be time consuming. So I will continue my effort in exchanging any free moments for sewing. At least one more trip to Joanne is called for. Chris’s birthday is this week and since we are going to Disneyland on Friday to celebrate, there will be no sewing going on probably for both Thursday and Friday. Saturday I’m going to see CATS with family; I’m pretty excited about this. But it means I’ll have to get my dress approved on Sunday. And Sunday is dinner with Chris’s grandparents for birthday. I’m already exhausted.
I’ve also been fighting a cold that seems to have made its home in my sinus cavity and doesn’t want to leave. So Sudafed has become my best friend. Plus Day Light Savings has kicked my ass. As always. Seriously. How can we make it so we don’t have to do this anymore? I’m done. I’m not participating next time around.
Lady Jane is still sick. We’re trying some new meds and some holistic stuff. If it doesn’t help than it looks like we’ll have to start shoveling out the big bucks to take her to a specialist. This has been a source of great tension in our house on many levels and I’m so done. I’m really at my end of having any idea what else to do for her.
So that’s pretty much life so far this week. As I said there is more that I may talk about later. We’ll see.
*1. Glade – Court Glade is our theatrical environmental area, where we hang out, eat and acts as sort of our home base.
*2. Master – The number of workshops you have to take to work a Faire season is in proportion to the number of years you’ve worked. 1st yr = Apprentice (12 classes), 2nd-9th yr = Journeyman (6 classes), 10+ yrs = Master (3 classes).
*3. Queen Show – Faire for the most part is an interactive show where you interact with the characters around you. We have the stage shows with a scrip, director and so on at different times and places throughout the Faire. Queen Show is the one that involves the Queen and her Court.
But in any case, here’s a post today. There is more that I want to put down, I’ll probably post about tomorrow. But for now this post is pretty basic.
This last weekend was the first out of 11 over the next 3 months that will be consumed with faire. The beginning of workshops. This weekend is like the first day of school. You are seeing friends and people that you haven’t seen since last season. There are lots of hugs, lots of catching up and of course lots and lots of DRAMA. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of drama that can be found around the faire site at any given moment. There is always a ready supply of gossip, hurt egos, back stabbings and your occasional good all out screaming fight. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t all that faire is, but there is no denying the drama is definitely thick around site.
My weekend personally remained relatively drama free, thankfully. Few moments of misunderstandings and annoyances, but for the most part I was able to enjoy myself. Which is my mission this season. My outside life is just too much and too stressful to come to faire and have it rival my real life. I need it to be my escape this season and I’m looking forward to it being so. Construction in Glade* is going beautifully and we’re already ahead of the game, which is just awesome. I already have 2 out of my 3 classes done (I love being a Master*), survived Queen Show* rehearsal and picked up the nickname of Sourdough-heel, which I don’t even know how to begin explaining. So far it’s promising to be a good season.
This coming week is PACKED. Dress MUST be finished this week. No exception. I finished the bodice over the weekend, so that leaves the forepart and sleeves and a million little details that individually are a big deal, but added together will be time consuming. So I will continue my effort in exchanging any free moments for sewing. At least one more trip to Joanne is called for. Chris’s birthday is this week and since we are going to Disneyland on Friday to celebrate, there will be no sewing going on probably for both Thursday and Friday. Saturday I’m going to see CATS with family; I’m pretty excited about this. But it means I’ll have to get my dress approved on Sunday. And Sunday is dinner with Chris’s grandparents for birthday. I’m already exhausted.
I’ve also been fighting a cold that seems to have made its home in my sinus cavity and doesn’t want to leave. So Sudafed has become my best friend. Plus Day Light Savings has kicked my ass. As always. Seriously. How can we make it so we don’t have to do this anymore? I’m done. I’m not participating next time around.
Lady Jane is still sick. We’re trying some new meds and some holistic stuff. If it doesn’t help than it looks like we’ll have to start shoveling out the big bucks to take her to a specialist. This has been a source of great tension in our house on many levels and I’m so done. I’m really at my end of having any idea what else to do for her.
So that’s pretty much life so far this week. As I said there is more that I may talk about later. We’ll see.
*1. Glade – Court Glade is our theatrical environmental area, where we hang out, eat and acts as sort of our home base.
*2. Master – The number of workshops you have to take to work a Faire season is in proportion to the number of years you’ve worked. 1st yr = Apprentice (12 classes), 2nd-9th yr = Journeyman (6 classes), 10+ yrs = Master (3 classes).
*3. Queen Show – Faire for the most part is an interactive show where you interact with the characters around you. We have the stage shows with a scrip, director and so on at different times and places throughout the Faire. Queen Show is the one that involves the Queen and her Court.
Mar 6, 2010
Dress Making
So I'm at the point in the making of this dress where I'm really starting to resent it. Here it is, my last free weekend before workshops begin, and I'll be spending it chained to my sewing machine working on this damn dress. I'm having a rough time with life in general this week and instead of taking this weekend to relax, maybe even escape to the condo for a night, I have to sew. Oh well, I know I signed up for this and it'll probably be worth it when its done. But still I'm resentful today. In the mean time, here are some pictures of Bart helping me make this ball and chain:
Cutting out the skirt panels
Ironing down the seams
Showing the hoops who's boss
Taking a break
Cutting out the Picadills
Beating a random piece of velvet into submission
This is his playgirl pose, showing you his sexy ass
When the skirt was finished, I laid it on the spare bed covered with a blanket for protection
He still found it
Ready to start with those Picadills
Keeping the bodice from running away
Lady Jane taking the opportunity to move in on my husband
Mar 4, 2010
Injury to Insult
So let me start this post off by saying I hate the dentist. HATE. In fact I don’t think hate even comes close to expressing the strong amount of negative emotions and thoughts that go through me when I think the word dentist. I consider myself a generally pretty level person. Sure I’m dramatic, I never claimed not to be and really it makes life so much more fun. For me anyway. But I really try to be logical and reasonable when it comes to fears and phobias. But dentistry is just one of the things that I have a really hard time being rational about.
So, that said after probably close to about 15 years since I last saw a dentist, maybe even longer, I decided to be responsible and sign us up for dental coverage before my teeth that I already knew were in poor shape got worse. Insurance kicked in the beginning of January, and just last week after 2 months of ignoring it I decided it was time to finally kinda sorta look for a dentist. I only want to keep the insurance for a year if possible because it’s another $70 a month to have it. My health plan covers the basics, cleaning and exams, so if we got major stuff that’s needed done this year, we should be good. Well after a half hearted search, I gave up and decided to try again later.
But life is cruel, and in a week that’s already busting at the seams in stress, one of my molars just could not hang on any longer and broke. So I quickly did a search for a dentist that specializes in patients that have dentistry fears, and spent all of Tuesday feeling sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears about going to the dentist that afternoon.
Thankfully the initial appointment was pretty easy. Just a “Yep, your tooth is broken alright” and an appointment set up for it to be capped and possibly a root canal next Monday. Seriously, I had to stop myself at vomiting at the words root canal. I inquired about being knocked out since that seemed the easiest for everyone involved, but apparently it’s almost $300 to do so. Holy crap. But yes, I am contemplating it anyway. Because seriously. Root canal. How can that sound like anything less than absolute torture?
Well, on top of all this, the nurse called with what we’d have to pay after insurance. And if the thought of the root canal wasn’t cause for Xanax, than hearing that it was going to cost us $750+ for this fun time certainly was. Then I thought that I would check to see exactly what out health benefit plan covers to see if it would possibly makes the hit a bit easier. When reading through the plan book, I discovered something that was not there before when I last looked at these benefits about 2 years ago and I’m so mad that I didn’t know it was there before I signed us up for the separate coverage. It is an option to upgrade our basic coverage to full coverage AT NO ADDITIONAL COST to what we were already paying a month in our health insurance. And the coverage is much better than the one we’re paying for separately. So after several phone calls, questions and all that crap, I upgraded us. The catch is it doesn’t kick in until April 1st, so I have to wait until then to get my tooth fixed. The dentist office also can’t give me a quote until the enrollment kicks in on the 1st, so all I can do is hope that it’s a decent chunk cheaper than the other dental insurance, though I was assured that it would be cheaper. I just hope it’s enough to make waiting a month worth it. Another bummer, I can’t cancel the extra insurance that we’re paying for until the next open season at the end of the year. Sigh.
So, good news, I get to live in denial another month before I have to go for the horrid dental procedures (though, if it starts to hurt or anything then I’ll just have to get it done before than). It’ll be cheaper than it would be now. The bad news I have to be cautious with what I eat and take small bites. I’ll probably be cutting back a lot on sugar in the next month and eating more slowly, which is hard for me. I’ll be brushing my teeth like crazy and gargling hot salt water to avoid an infection. And my tongue is getting kinda cut up by the jagged edge. I’ve heard there is broken tooth home repair kits available, so I’m gonna see if I can find one of those.
So in case I needed one more thing to stress out about this month. It’s all my own fault, I know. But I’m still mad. It would have been a lot cheaper to get a cavity filled a week ago than pay for a crown and root canal now. Ugh. Hopefully I can get the rest of my teeth fixed before they give out as well.
Sorry if this post is boring; it’s just the main topic of the week for me, so I’m blurting it out here. Just be grateful I’m not talking about Lady Jane’s poop. Another key conversation topic in our home this week.
So, that said after probably close to about 15 years since I last saw a dentist, maybe even longer, I decided to be responsible and sign us up for dental coverage before my teeth that I already knew were in poor shape got worse. Insurance kicked in the beginning of January, and just last week after 2 months of ignoring it I decided it was time to finally kinda sorta look for a dentist. I only want to keep the insurance for a year if possible because it’s another $70 a month to have it. My health plan covers the basics, cleaning and exams, so if we got major stuff that’s needed done this year, we should be good. Well after a half hearted search, I gave up and decided to try again later.
But life is cruel, and in a week that’s already busting at the seams in stress, one of my molars just could not hang on any longer and broke. So I quickly did a search for a dentist that specializes in patients that have dentistry fears, and spent all of Tuesday feeling sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears about going to the dentist that afternoon.
Thankfully the initial appointment was pretty easy. Just a “Yep, your tooth is broken alright” and an appointment set up for it to be capped and possibly a root canal next Monday. Seriously, I had to stop myself at vomiting at the words root canal. I inquired about being knocked out since that seemed the easiest for everyone involved, but apparently it’s almost $300 to do so. Holy crap. But yes, I am contemplating it anyway. Because seriously. Root canal. How can that sound like anything less than absolute torture?
Well, on top of all this, the nurse called with what we’d have to pay after insurance. And if the thought of the root canal wasn’t cause for Xanax, than hearing that it was going to cost us $750+ for this fun time certainly was. Then I thought that I would check to see exactly what out health benefit plan covers to see if it would possibly makes the hit a bit easier. When reading through the plan book, I discovered something that was not there before when I last looked at these benefits about 2 years ago and I’m so mad that I didn’t know it was there before I signed us up for the separate coverage. It is an option to upgrade our basic coverage to full coverage AT NO ADDITIONAL COST to what we were already paying a month in our health insurance. And the coverage is much better than the one we’re paying for separately. So after several phone calls, questions and all that crap, I upgraded us. The catch is it doesn’t kick in until April 1st, so I have to wait until then to get my tooth fixed. The dentist office also can’t give me a quote until the enrollment kicks in on the 1st, so all I can do is hope that it’s a decent chunk cheaper than the other dental insurance, though I was assured that it would be cheaper. I just hope it’s enough to make waiting a month worth it. Another bummer, I can’t cancel the extra insurance that we’re paying for until the next open season at the end of the year. Sigh.
So, good news, I get to live in denial another month before I have to go for the horrid dental procedures (though, if it starts to hurt or anything then I’ll just have to get it done before than). It’ll be cheaper than it would be now. The bad news I have to be cautious with what I eat and take small bites. I’ll probably be cutting back a lot on sugar in the next month and eating more slowly, which is hard for me. I’ll be brushing my teeth like crazy and gargling hot salt water to avoid an infection. And my tongue is getting kinda cut up by the jagged edge. I’ve heard there is broken tooth home repair kits available, so I’m gonna see if I can find one of those.
So in case I needed one more thing to stress out about this month. It’s all my own fault, I know. But I’m still mad. It would have been a lot cheaper to get a cavity filled a week ago than pay for a crown and root canal now. Ugh. Hopefully I can get the rest of my teeth fixed before they give out as well.
Sorry if this post is boring; it’s just the main topic of the week for me, so I’m blurting it out here. Just be grateful I’m not talking about Lady Jane’s poop. Another key conversation topic in our home this week.
Mar 2, 2010
Spring Rush
So yesterday as I was driving home, my head spinning with the million of things that need to get done in the next week/month/3 months, my stomach was flipping with anxiety and I was frustrated that going 80 MPH on the freeway wasn’t getting anything accomplished, that I realized it was that time of year again. I don’t think I remember a spring in the last 10 years that wasn’t packed full of crap. From family obligations, faire obligations, work, and just regular life stuff packed on. I look ahead at the next three months and see that every weekend is packed. Not just packed with something in the afternoon, but packed that I’ll be sleeping in a whole hour from the weekdays to the weekend and I’ll be lucky to get in bed at a decent hour (which for me these days is 10 pm).
I was hoping that this year would be different. I subtracted a whole 12 hours a week for school and probably about another 15-20 hours in study time. That should have given me GREAT relief!! It didn’t. I cannot believe how quckly those hours filled up. And honestly I’m not sure I can tell you exactly what they filled up with. Sewing this dress has been a lot of it. I’ll be so very happy when it’s finally done. Not to mention that the deadline is QUICKLY approaching and I am seriously considering calling in sick a few days next week to work on it. Until then, any free time I have is spent sewing. Not helped by the fact that I’ve taken to hand sewing a lot of it just to make sure the detail is perfect and because I want full blown arthritis by the time I’m 35.
It’s times like these that I seriously wonder if I could handle anymore. I’m planning to start grad school this fall. And it’s freaking me out. We’re trying to have a baby. But I think I would be a huge fat fail as a mother. I can’t even get my own shit together. So what the heck am I thinking that I could add a baby to this mess? My house is still as much of a disaster as it was when we moved in three months ago, and I just don’t see being able to make any changes to that for at least another three. Though my mother keeps calling and asking when she can bring the desk and hope chest over that we don’t have room for because everything is still in boxes.
So there’s not really a conclusion to this post. It’s just me freaking out. Really freaking out. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and out of control. I know “it’ll all work out”, but I know that it’s definitely more than likely that at least one or two balls will get dropped along the way and I just have to think through the priorities so I know what balls I can afford to drop with the least amount of damage. Excuse me while I go breath into a paper bag and get drunk.
I was hoping that this year would be different. I subtracted a whole 12 hours a week for school and probably about another 15-20 hours in study time. That should have given me GREAT relief!! It didn’t. I cannot believe how quckly those hours filled up. And honestly I’m not sure I can tell you exactly what they filled up with. Sewing this dress has been a lot of it. I’ll be so very happy when it’s finally done. Not to mention that the deadline is QUICKLY approaching and I am seriously considering calling in sick a few days next week to work on it. Until then, any free time I have is spent sewing. Not helped by the fact that I’ve taken to hand sewing a lot of it just to make sure the detail is perfect and because I want full blown arthritis by the time I’m 35.
It’s times like these that I seriously wonder if I could handle anymore. I’m planning to start grad school this fall. And it’s freaking me out. We’re trying to have a baby. But I think I would be a huge fat fail as a mother. I can’t even get my own shit together. So what the heck am I thinking that I could add a baby to this mess? My house is still as much of a disaster as it was when we moved in three months ago, and I just don’t see being able to make any changes to that for at least another three. Though my mother keeps calling and asking when she can bring the desk and hope chest over that we don’t have room for because everything is still in boxes.
So there’s not really a conclusion to this post. It’s just me freaking out. Really freaking out. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and out of control. I know “it’ll all work out”, but I know that it’s definitely more than likely that at least one or two balls will get dropped along the way and I just have to think through the priorities so I know what balls I can afford to drop with the least amount of damage. Excuse me while I go breath into a paper bag and get drunk.
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