Anxiety

So I've been meaning to write this post for a few weeks now, but just haven't gotten to it. I have a lot of work to do today, but I don't feel like doing a thing, so I'll write this instead.

I've talked a lot in my recent posts about how life has become increasingly intense since the start of the new year, and no it really hasn't slowed down. In fact it's increased. In good news the situation surrounding "The Event" of early February have settled considerably. Things are not great, or even good, but they are stable, and that's about as good as it can get right now.

But aside from that, or maybe partially due to that, March decided to throw in more curve balls into life. In late February I started back on Clomid for what was supposed to be our first IUI cycle. Because our insurance doesn't cover injectables (which can easily run $5-7k+ OOP) we were going to stick with the Clomid for 5 days, ultrasound and HGC injection to trigger ovulation. I've taken Clomid before, and I ovulated with it 5 out of 6 cycles, with side effects that made me pretty miserable. Including wicked hot flashes, dizzy spells blurry vision and vision spots. When I reported these side effects to my OB, she said that those side effects were normal, and nothing to worry about. OK, cool. So this time around, I had the same side effects. After dose two of the Clomid I started having breathing issues and chest pains in addition to the other side effects. I went ahead and took dose three. I felt like I really need to do whatever I can to get pregnant and out up with whatever side effects because it's the least I can do right? Besides it's only 5 doses. On Friday I was feeling really crappy. I called my RE office to talk to a nurse, but apparently you're not supposed to have medication concerns on a Friday afternoon because everyone is off.  I was supposed to take my 4^th dose that night, I decided to skip it and the 5^th dose, because I was fairly certain if I had continued I would have ended up in the ER that night. I was hugely disappointed in myself.

On Monday the nurse called me back, and she said it was good that I stopped the Clomid, and to go ahead and still come in for the ultrasound on Wednesday as scheduled. When I came in for the US, I met with my RE and she asked me if I had told them about my previous side effects on Clomid. I said no because my OB said they were normal. She said that some of the effects are, but the vision side effects area big warning sign and if they had known I had the vision issues, they would not have put me on Clomid. Awesomness. She also said that of then when someone has some bad side effects they have all the bad side effects. So of course the US showed my lining s paper thin. It did show two good follicles. Which was about the only good news. Because Chris couldn't take the blood test we decided on TI instead of insemination. The RE also said that since I reacted so poorly to the non-injectable cycle, my best bet would to do an injectable cycle next time around, and since we'd be spending the money on all the injectables we might as well go for the full IVF since it has such a better chance of success. Which sounds good, except we don't exactly have $15k lying around to pay for it, and we more than likely never will.

She put me on a small dose of Estrogen to try and thicken up my lining. And of course things couldn't go simply from there, my reaction to the Estrogen was even more fun. It caused my anxiety to jump through the roof. So much so that I started having panic attacks on the way to work that Friday while driving. On the way home I made most of the way before I had to pull off the road (I was driving the streets because the freeway was freaking me out too much) because I was afraid I was going to cause an accident with my driving and panicking. I called my mom crying and telling her I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I couldn't drive. Chris and my brother had to come and get me.

So I stopped the Estrogen. I didn't do the trigger. I was afraid how I'd react to that too. Attempt at IUI #1 Big. Fat. Fail. And now here I am, 31 years old, suddenly scared of driving. Needing people to drive me places.   Still can't get knocked up. It's seems I fail at motherhood before I even get a chance to try. I honestly think that this is life telling me I just need to stop trying because I'd be making a huge mistake inflicting myself as a mother onto some poor child.

Anyway. The last few weeks have been extremely humbling. I suddenly have a whole new respect for people with anxiety issues. I'm better at driving now, but nothing what I need to be. I can drive the streets fairly well, I've manages the freeways a bit. But curves on the freeway freak me out still, especially going to the right. I have no idea why. I'm working to get passed this. I was hoping that as the meds get out of my system it would get easier, and it has, but the anxiety is still pretty strong. Especially when I'm stressed, which is just about all the time. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone if I have another panic attack while driving. My family and friends have been amazing and so helpful and supportive. I don't feel like I deserve it. I feel like such a failure right now at life. I need to drive. I have to drive. Otherwise I'll have to quit school. Which is just about the only thing I feel like I'm doing right these days. Although not sure I'd be a very good therapist is I'm afraid to drive.

So yeah, 2011 continues to be a struggle. Here's to hoping April will be better.

My First Valentine

In case you couldn't tell, life has been a bit heavy lately. No it's not really any better. It just is. And while I am a firm believer of not decreasing the severity of life's negative experiences just to make people feel more comfortable, I do believe that if we don't try to at least have some positive remembrances, than the negative will just swallow us whole. Though when life seems so heavy, it can be so much harder to find the positive, I think it's still important to find what you can and hold onto it.

So, on that note, I thought I'd talk about my very first Valentine. But contrary to what you may be thinking, this isn't a story of a little girl and boy's childhood crush or a young teen's first adventure into what love could be. It's actually a confession.

Though my heart (or hormones, you know, whatever) certainly wanted an adoring boy in my life, I spent 88% of my teen years alone, pining over some boy who was just AMAZING, but either didn't know I was more than a random girl in school or more than "just a friend". I didn't finally have my very first boyfriend until I was 18 (more technically 18 years and 10 months, hence the 88%). I had only had my first kiss about a month before. But I did graduate from high school with a genuine boyfriend, a relationship that lasted about two months.

After that into my very early 20's I followed my usual pattern of pining after the unattainable. When I was about 23 I seemed to finally find my confidence enough to realize boys weren't so unattainable. I dated a bit here and there, had some minor relationships and one major one. But through them all, as a matter of time, I never had even a blind date for Valentine's Day.

Until 2005. Chris and I met in late 2004 and, by Valentine's Day of 2005 we were very much in the early stages of our love. I do remember V-day was on a Monday and I had class and Chris was out of town for his job. So we went out to dinner a few days early and Chris gave me a heart necklace that I still wear almost every day. It wasn't the most romantic day in history, but I didn't care. I had never really built any expectations for V-day. It had always just been another day to me. But this time, it was enough just to know I had someone to call all mine on Valentine's Day.

Yes, I know Valentine's is really just a day for Hallmark to make some extra bucks on lots of sappy cards (I HATE sappy cards BTW, I should go into that on another post sometime). And has just been glorified into a bunch of pointless non-sense. We rarely do anything extravagant for Valentine's day, and I never expect much. I certainly don't like to waste money on bunches of flowers that'll die in a week, that's if the cat doesn't get to them first, or balloons or stuffed bears (because seriously, what the hell am I gonna do with a million small stuffed bears? Is it rude to throw them away after a few days?). But all of that isn't the point of this post. And yes, there is a point.

The truth is that Chris is my one and only Valentine. He's the only one I've ever been able to call my Valentine, and the only one I ever will call that. Whether it's over a small dinner made at home or an extravagant dinner at some faraway place, I'm just happy to spend it with my one and only.

 

 

It's Hard

It's hard to watch someone you care about walk themselves into destruction.

It's hard to know the answers, but no one will listen.

It's hard to see those nearest the problem continue to enable because they can't bare the bumpy road right in front, ignoring that it'll only make the road impassible later on.

It's hard to watch others you care about struggle with trying to make sense of it all.

It's hard to find the balance to reaching in to save and not getting pulled under.

It's hard to have sleepless nights, lack of appetite, headaches, tears, long silences, distractions, fears surface, and anxieties realized in worry.

It's hard to believe the new reality you're now faced with.

It's hard to believe that it will get better.

Life is just really hard right now. I have no idea how to continue with work/school/faire/life when my heart seems to be consumed with other matters. The terrible part is I saw this coming. It wasn't a surprise. I just wasn't prepared for the aftermath.

Not Starting Off so Well

January wasn't so bad and seemed to flow pretty nicely making me think that 2011 might be a decent year. Then February came and bitch slapped me across the face. I'm really not at liberty to go into any kind of details of the events over the last six days, but let me just say they have been hard.

Emotionally I'm drained. I actually haven't cried at all yet. Been close several times, but I actually haven't been able to. Which means sometime in the near future, something small is going to completely break me into a thousand pieces. So ya, I'm looking forward to that.

This has been one of the few events in my life that has actually made me question my faith. Now I've definitely had questions about my faith before and questioned whether or not God truly loved me or that he had my best interest in mind during certain trials. But this time was different. This event and the events leading up to it truly leave me at a loss. They seem so contrary to what I know of God's character. I've heard of similar events happening to others and could still believe that God is supreme and has a plan. But this happening so close, brought me face to face with the big question, if there is a God, than why?

I still don't have an answer as to why. I'm not sure I'll have one anytime soon. But I do know that I need to hang onto my faith. I have to believe that there is an answer to the why even though I can't see it. I have to believe that there is a reason for all of this. There is more to all of this, I'm just not sure how to put it into words right now.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD."As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

On the lighter side, while Chris and I were out of town on our emergency trip, my parents managed to set off our house alarm no less than three times. Twice in one day. The cats were a little traumatized when we got home.

Things That are Probably Only Significant to Me

So I've officially had my first "panic attack" of the semester. The first of many I presume. I came home last night after 8 hours of work and 6 hours of class to a husband that was like a puppy waiting for his human to come home. He just missed me so much and wanted to show me all the things he learned about his new racing video game as I struggled to keep my eyes open collapsed in the chair. I was finally allowed to collapse in my bed where I was able to get at least a few hours sleep before my brain decided it needed to THINK. And THINK A LOT. I hate when my brain does this and it does it of course whenever I'm on the overloaded side.

So for the next several hours I tried my hardest to stop thinking. Thoughts of mental diagnoses, group therapy dynamics and empathy with patients I might dislike all swarm through my head. The idea of making new friends in school. Yes this stresses me out a lot. I'll have to write a whole other post as to why. Let me just say, making friends is pretty emotionally exhausting for me.

In addition, as I think I've mentioned before, I've taken on some added responsibility at Faire this season. One that I'm really looking forward to, but last weekend we had auditions for new members to be a part of my group and they didn't go at all like I had hoped, but we did bring in some much needed fresh blood. But that means I have until next Saturday to get all four new gals at least up to speed enough that they aren't left behind. So this means lots of emails, phone calls, explanations, more friendship building, research, guidance and just effort and energy. So I'm feeling a bit thinly spread. Somewhere in the background is my poor patient husband waiting his turn with his wife who is always insanely busy.

I think things will calm down once I get the new kids integrated and I settle into a routine with school, but for now, I'm a little overwhelmed.

**********

So two days ago I was in the shower and I hear something really small hit the floor. I was confused because well, I wasn't wearing clothes or jewelry in the shower and I wasn't too sure what the heck would have dropped. After I got out of the shower I realized it was the little ball on my belly button ring that keeps it from slipping out. I was bummed because I don't have another one and it most likely fell down the drain. So I went all ghetto and put on a little rubber thing you use on French hook earrings to keep them from falling out as a temporary solution. (Stay with me, I promise there is a point)

Ne next day in the shower I found the little ball in the corner of the shower. Much joy was had. I didn't want to just put it back on until I disinfected it, and I was too lazy to do so at the time, so I put it my jewelry bowl and figured I'd do it later. Last night the little rubber thing on the ring fell off, lost to the world while I was at school. So I spent the rest of the night worrying that the ring would come out. Once I got home, I disinfected both the ring and little ball and put it all back in.

Then I started thinking. Why in heck am I doing all of this? I got the belly button ring when I was 21. It was my great act of rebellion. My mom HATED it and since I was stuck living with her, it was the most perfect thing ever. Not as permanent as a tattoo, but certainly pressed the same buttons. And for me, the all around, general "good girl", this was the best I could do in the rebellion department.

But I'm not 21 anymore. And I most certainly don't have my cute little 21 year old tummy (which I just thought was so fat at the time, and still never showed off) anymore.  I had always figured I'd take it out when I got knocked up, but I also thought I would have been knocked up long ago. I'm really amazed it didn't dawn on me until just last night that I have absolutely no idea why I still have the thing and that I can take it out.  I'm just so used to having it I guess. It's not like I'm prancing around in bikinis these days. Even if I was, it's not like it still bugs my mom. That task was accomplished. It only irritates me most of the time; my pants sit right on it and press it into me. I have to practically pry it out of my belly button after a faire day. I've thankfully never had an infection, but still, it could always happen.

I asked Chris if he cared either way, and he said he didn't, so I think it's time to say good bye. Silly as it seems, I still am reserved. The one big act of rebellion I did. It was significant to me. So I guess I'll take a pic and then say good bye to my one piece of body jewelry.

And for the record. No I would NEVER do it again. It hurt sooooo bad and I almost passed out. I thought I was going to vomit all over the place. Afterwards my friends had to take me home to go to bed (I think it was about 7pm) because I was too shaky to go out with them afterwards. Yeah, so it's just been loads of fun from the beginning.  Oh silly rebellion.

First Day of School

Today is, what I am really hoping, the first of the last of my first days of school. Hopefully after today I will only have 6 more. But today is the last first day of school at a new school. I'm both a crazy mix of nervous and excited. I think I know what to expect, but really I don't. I was reading through the syllabuses yesterday and it seems the classes are a lot more hands on than I'm used to, which is great since I tend to do better in that kind of environment. But I was looking through the books and there is so much information and so much to know and remember. I can barely remember what I had for lunch, let alone keeping track of the differences between different types of therapy.

I am really excited for the opportunity to continue leaning about psychology though. And so happy with the thought that this will be my ticket out of my current job and into one that I will enjoy

I know I talked last year a bit about the Spring Rush, and this year certainly is no different. I've taken on new responsibilities at Renaissance Faire, which means I need to be even more committed than I have been before. Including making a new dress, writing schedules, and mentoring/leading a portion of the cast. I am so excited about this, but now looking at the school workload a little nervous about whether or not I'll live to see June. Thankfully I have some awesome support at faire and my amazing husband as mu support system at home to help. But still. I reserve the right now to have a few breakdowns at some point in the next few months.

Chris and I are still going to continue trying to have a baby. I figure if all goes well in June of 2013 I'll either be holding a Masters degree or a baby. Ideally I'd like to be holding both, but I know that's not too likely. One semester at a time. But at least I'm moving forward. I don't want my life to be defined by IF. As debilitating as it is, I can't let it control my life and hold me back. Doesn't mean the IF journey is any easier, just means I'm in control, not IF.

The loans for this school thing are intense. But hopefully we'll be able to pay off the CC's and be completely debt free aside from the loan and the house of course. That would be really nice. And that's the plan anyway. But as we all know, plans don't always work quite the way we want, so we'll just see what happens.

So was that post jumbled up enough for you? My brain is kind of wired and I have a TON of work that I really should be doing right now instead. But I wanted to vomit my thoughts onto my blog first. You're welcome.

2011

I hadn't really thought of a big "Farewell to 2010, Hello 2011" post. I realized last night that I'm not feeling particularly retrospective/forespective (is that a word? If not I call dibs) this New Years. Part of it may be because the holidays this year have just been a whirlwind of craziness, and I haven't had much chance to think about it. Or maybe, I'm just tired. I don't know, either way I don't have much. 2010 was a good year overall. Not spectacular, but good. It had its ups and downs, but overall I'm happy with the year.

Looking at my "Goals for 2010" post from last year, I'll review the year:

Travel: We still didn't travel as much as I had wanted. We did get our vacation. Not to The Mexican Riviera, but to Santa Barbara. Not quite as exciting, but it was still a great trip. We had a lot of fun and I still have a bunch of pics to post. I'm not going to set as many lofty travel goals for this year, but I am hoping to get at least a couple of weekend getaways in there. The big trip for the year will be a family reunion in Texas next Christmas.

Home: We did make some good progress towards making the house more of a home, and more importantly, our home. We got new couches and an awesome oversized chair that we love cuddling in. I got one more room painted and we got a new dishwasher. I've gotten rid of all the previous owners horrid curtains and put up new ones that are much more us. Oh and a brand new very expensive pipe in our front yard. You can't see it, but at least we can flush our toilets now with the secure knowledge that **stuff** won't come up the drain in our front yard. Of course there is still a lot more I'd like to do. We'll probably be getting a new oven/stove before the end of the year, completing our new appliances in the kitchen, and I'd like to paint another room or two. But we'll just see. At least all of the rooms in our house are at least functional now; I have a place to sew and workout and a place for friends to crash if needed, and a place for friends and family to hang out. So I'm happy.

School: It's official. I start grad school next week. I am excited and nervous. If all goes well I will complete the program in about 2 ½ years. I am really looking forward to getting more in depth with psychology and learning how to put into practice what I've already learned. I am really excited at the prospect that I will actually do what I want to do for a living someday. Maybe not in 2 ½ years, but this is a big step in the right direction. I'm sure many school updates will follow.

Work: I feel I have stepped up my work ethics. Maybe not as much as I could have, but I have stopped spending my days reading blogs or on message boards or writing emails. I have really focused on getting stuff accomplished quickly and well. I know I can still do betting and I will continue to work on this, but I am happy with the progress made.

Spirituality: I have grown in this this year as well. I had a kind of epiphany earlier in the year in regards to my faith and our infertility which brought me back to a place I hadn't been in quite some time. A few months ago Chris and I started going back to church and I love that we've been going. It's not always easy to get up early on a Sunday morning, but it's definitely worth it.

So all in all 2010 was a good year and I saw all of my hopes for the year realized in at least some fashion. It may not have been as monumental as 2009, but I think I needed a non-monumental year. I may post a "Hopes for 2011" a little later, but I don't know. Like I said, I haven't really thought too much about it. I'm fairly satisfied with what I have and most of what I want would be mostly a continuation from last year. But if 2011 stays in the same line, I think I'll be just as content a year from now.