Anxiety

So I've been meaning to write this post for a few weeks now, but just haven't gotten to it. I have a lot of work to do today, but I don't feel like doing a thing, so I'll write this instead.

I've talked a lot in my recent posts about how life has become increasingly intense since the start of the new year, and no it really hasn't slowed down. In fact it's increased. In good news the situation surrounding "The Event" of early February have settled considerably. Things are not great, or even good, but they are stable, and that's about as good as it can get right now.

But aside from that, or maybe partially due to that, March decided to throw in more curve balls into life. In late February I started back on Clomid for what was supposed to be our first IUI cycle. Because our insurance doesn't cover injectables (which can easily run $5-7k+ OOP) we were going to stick with the Clomid for 5 days, ultrasound and HGC injection to trigger ovulation. I've taken Clomid before, and I ovulated with it 5 out of 6 cycles, with side effects that made me pretty miserable. Including wicked hot flashes, dizzy spells blurry vision and vision spots. When I reported these side effects to my OB, she said that those side effects were normal, and nothing to worry about. OK, cool. So this time around, I had the same side effects. After dose two of the Clomid I started having breathing issues and chest pains in addition to the other side effects. I went ahead and took dose three. I felt like I really need to do whatever I can to get pregnant and out up with whatever side effects because it's the least I can do right? Besides it's only 5 doses. On Friday I was feeling really crappy. I called my RE office to talk to a nurse, but apparently you're not supposed to have medication concerns on a Friday afternoon because everyone is off.  I was supposed to take my 4^th dose that night, I decided to skip it and the 5^th dose, because I was fairly certain if I had continued I would have ended up in the ER that night. I was hugely disappointed in myself.

On Monday the nurse called me back, and she said it was good that I stopped the Clomid, and to go ahead and still come in for the ultrasound on Wednesday as scheduled. When I came in for the US, I met with my RE and she asked me if I had told them about my previous side effects on Clomid. I said no because my OB said they were normal. She said that some of the effects are, but the vision side effects area big warning sign and if they had known I had the vision issues, they would not have put me on Clomid. Awesomness. She also said that of then when someone has some bad side effects they have all the bad side effects. So of course the US showed my lining s paper thin. It did show two good follicles. Which was about the only good news. Because Chris couldn't take the blood test we decided on TI instead of insemination. The RE also said that since I reacted so poorly to the non-injectable cycle, my best bet would to do an injectable cycle next time around, and since we'd be spending the money on all the injectables we might as well go for the full IVF since it has such a better chance of success. Which sounds good, except we don't exactly have $15k lying around to pay for it, and we more than likely never will.

She put me on a small dose of Estrogen to try and thicken up my lining. And of course things couldn't go simply from there, my reaction to the Estrogen was even more fun. It caused my anxiety to jump through the roof. So much so that I started having panic attacks on the way to work that Friday while driving. On the way home I made most of the way before I had to pull off the road (I was driving the streets because the freeway was freaking me out too much) because I was afraid I was going to cause an accident with my driving and panicking. I called my mom crying and telling her I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I couldn't drive. Chris and my brother had to come and get me.

So I stopped the Estrogen. I didn't do the trigger. I was afraid how I'd react to that too. Attempt at IUI #1 Big. Fat. Fail. And now here I am, 31 years old, suddenly scared of driving. Needing people to drive me places.   Still can't get knocked up. It's seems I fail at motherhood before I even get a chance to try. I honestly think that this is life telling me I just need to stop trying because I'd be making a huge mistake inflicting myself as a mother onto some poor child.

Anyway. The last few weeks have been extremely humbling. I suddenly have a whole new respect for people with anxiety issues. I'm better at driving now, but nothing what I need to be. I can drive the streets fairly well, I've manages the freeways a bit. But curves on the freeway freak me out still, especially going to the right. I have no idea why. I'm working to get passed this. I was hoping that as the meds get out of my system it would get easier, and it has, but the anxiety is still pretty strong. Especially when I'm stressed, which is just about all the time. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone if I have another panic attack while driving. My family and friends have been amazing and so helpful and supportive. I don't feel like I deserve it. I feel like such a failure right now at life. I need to drive. I have to drive. Otherwise I'll have to quit school. Which is just about the only thing I feel like I'm doing right these days. Although not sure I'd be a very good therapist is I'm afraid to drive.

So yeah, 2011 continues to be a struggle. Here's to hoping April will be better.